New Years :)

Last night, as usual shaving my legs is torture, but last night was worse! I was crying as I was doing it.
After that torture was over, I went to bed. I started to notice my lungs were being weird. I was laying on my left side and every time I exhaled it sounded like I was exhaling small amounts three times, but I was only exhaling once. It is really hard to explain, and I have no clue what it was?
I am in a ton of pain today, with a lot of spasms!
We got invited to go to my aunts house tonight for dinner, and for new years. Not sure if gonna go or not though? If I do go I will probably just stay a little while and than have my parents take me back home, as I live right down the road from there house.
Don't feel like doing anything, don't even feel like moving my pain is too high. The pain is making me so light headed, and just feel like screaming, but I will contain myself.
I just got an invite to another party, one of my best friends is throwing a party. I told her I didn't want to drink, so I wasn't gonna go, that way I didn't have to explain I don't feel good and have then not understand like always, and plus I seriously didn't want to drink. She said that's fine you can come anyway -_-
So I went ahead and told her, I didn't feel like doing anything. Of course she asked why, so I explained. She actually understood she even asked why I don't go to the hospital. I told her I actually considered it, but decided they suck and it will be a waist of time. She told me I was crazy haha. I am shocked she was understanding, but I'm glad she was.

Burning To Death!

That is what it feels like, literally!
The blanket feels like hot bricks on my legs, and my shirt feels like shards of hot glass digging into my skin.
Wish there was something I could do, but doctors, and hospitals here suck, and don't give you anything that helps!
Only got a few hours of sleep last night, due to the pain, so I'm gonna try and get some rest. I'll try to post later.

Just Another Day.

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I wish everyone a Happy New Year. Hope all of us with illness have a better year. :)
Nothing is really new with me, I got Sims 3 Pets for Christmas, and Sims 3 Generations! I have been really wanting Sims 3 Pets because you can ride horses in it! So I am living my life through this game :)
I will hopefully be enrolled into my local high school as soon as school starts back up, and than I will be placed back on Hospital/Homebound. I have no idea how were gonna do this, as I need to start from the beginning, or I wont pass! So I have no clue how this will work, as I cant just start the second half or I wont know anything since I didnt get to do the first.
I have no clue what were gonna do with my back, as the brace only helps some. I have a appointment with my orthopedic at the beginning of January, to see what were going to do.
I think I also have a appointment set up with my PM, to talk about what were going to do since were fighting to insurance for ketamine right now. We will also review the cognitive test results. I think I did alright on it, it was way different from the other one I did, and much easier, and very basic. I know I probably didn't do to well on the memory part, but that is all I probably didn't do well on.
I am hoping they can do something else for me, as we wait to get the ketamine! I don't know what else they can try really because we have had most treatments already. I haven't tried lidocaine infusions, and I do know some people get those, but I don't know anything about them?

New back brace :)

I got my back brace put on today, it fits good, it did help some with the injury. It hurts my ribs though, due to the sensitivity, but I am still going to try it out some before I tell them. My mom said they can adjust it, and put padding and stuff. I am getting used to moving around in it, and sitting down and getting up but it is still difficult.


I found a house.... I am always looking at houses, because I want to move more than you could imagine. I know it probably sounds weird, as most kids don't wanna leave there friends and all that but I do! I want a fresh start at life! Plus we probably wouldn't move really that far away, but I wouldn't mind if we did. Of course I do want to stay in Texas though. I just feel like moving would give me a chance to leave my past, and kinda start over with a fresh life. If I wanted to change anything about me, no one would realize cause I wouldn't really know anyone! So I found this house, and its about 20-30 minutes away so not far at all. It is perfect, it is the perfect price! It is really nice, great size. I can have a horse, and it has a horse stall. It has a little river thing in the back with a small bridge over it which I think is really pretty. We actually just drove through that area the other day, my mom wanted to show me the house we almost bought! And it is kinda ironic it is right near that one. Kinda like it was meant to be right?
My mom for once actually didn't just say we cant afford to move and get the house ready. The asking price is really good, my mom didn't even believe it! The value of the house is really good compared to the asking price. I hope my parents will consider it, and maybe just go look at it. My dad would still work at the same place and everything nothing will really change. We are still close to all our family and everything as it isn't that far away! I want to move so incredibly bad! I want a fresh start, with new people and better opportunities, plus you cant beat the price.

Finally A Update! :)

Well lets see I got the MRI, which was very painful due to the vibrations I guess. My neck started to cramp while in there and it was just bad! It took an hour, but it felt like sooo much longer.
Our hunches were right, as they usually are sadly /: The rib is doing good now, but my lower back is the same. He said in normal people this much later it should of had improvement at least, so he is not sure what were gonna be dealing with. I got fitted for a brace, they molded a cast around my back and all that. They said we can pick up the brace on Wednesday so thats good. The doctor said to wear the brace all day and take it off at night. He will see me back in January, and take things from there.
I dont really feel like writing too much right now, but I wanted to bring this up.... I had a comment posted the other day that was pretty rude, which I deleted it of course, but in the comment it said that it is physically impossible to dislocate a rib since it is not a joint so I am a faker. So I decided I would share some things about dislocated ribs, as it is completely possible and many people with RSD have problems with dislocating ribs! If you google "dislocated rib" you get many things. Where I found out for sure that is what was going on with me was I had a book about hypermobility written by a doctor that specializes in hypermobility and in there is a section about dislocations and subluxations of the ribs and spine! Doctors have also confirmed this is what had happened to me, when I described the feeling and pain.
So for who ever wants to learn more about dislocations and subluxations of the ribs just simply google it!

This Mess I Call My Life!

When I asked what else could go wrong that was not a challenge!
So I went to the orthopedic, and it was the quickest visit I have had yet. He check my spine and said I more than likely have a two slipped discs. One from the fall in September, and one from rolling over in bed! Yes rolling over in bed, I rolled over wrong and I felt like something dislocated. I had completely forgot about this, until he mentioned the slipped disc! So that is probably why I felt the sharp pains in my rib, thinking it was dislocated. He said it was probably already messed up and about to come out and me rolling over gave it the extra push it needed. He is ordering a MRI of my Lumbar and Thoracic spine, and said we will see what we can do after we get that done. My mom asked what they usually do with this, and he just looked at her and said "well lets just see" and my mom said "I dont wanna know."
He than said were probably not gonna find anyone to come near me with a knife due to the RSD. He than said we can try injections, which I just made a face. He said "Well its better the needle than the knife." Which is true, it just brings back the memories of what has happened before and the place it put me in, and it scares me, I don't wanna go back to that. He knows this very well as he was the doctor I saw after I went down hill and hit rock bottom after the last time we did this. He was doctor before RSD, he diagnosed me, and has been with me since. Since he new me before RSD he knows how I acted, and how I was always laughing and smiling no matter what. He also saw me at the beginning of RSD, so when I hit rock bottom, and he walked in and saw tears streaming down my face, he new we needed to do something, and do something now! I always felt he understood me, because he was the only one who knew me before RSD, so he knew I was always smiling, and he also saw me at my worst.

I went out with friends the first time in a long time! Saturday, we went to the movies, and saw "The Sitter" I was really funny, and I had a okay time with them. I committed to going to a concert with them on Thursday. His mom called me a while back, and said she wanted to surprise him with tickets to see Cobra Starship in the court yard. I said yes, she said it was December 15th and was a surprise and she was going to take me, him, and another one of our friends. I cant believe I committed to this, how stupid am I? A concert really Kendall, are you a idiot!? I dont know how my body will handle the vibrations and everything, so wish me luck! Ugh, most people would be ecstatic to see a concert with your best friends, but I am actually dreading it!

Mason is sick, the urgent care sent him to the ER to be admitted to the hospital for RSV, and Pneumonia! The ER said that he had a ear infection and gave him medicine, and said that the medicine they are giving him is used to treat Pneumonia too, and if he is not better in a few days to bring him back. So tomorrow he is coming to stay with me, while his mom is at work.

Pictures Of Mason! :)

I baby sat Mason the other day and here are some adorable pictures I thought I would share.

Blah.....

Too tired, and in too much pain for a real title, so that will have to work. Just here to update you people. Lets see, Friday I drove into Austin for a doctors appointment. It was raining, so long car ride plus rain sucked. The doctors appointment really just kinda had no purpose, it went good and all the lady was nice, but nothing new or anything really. I did however get my rheumo blood stuff again, and a urine thing to check for protein in the urine. It was a really long day so I was tired, and in a ton of pain that night! :(
Saturday (Today), was my little sisters birthday party. We had a Candy Land birthday, and my moms friend brought her baby boy, who I love! So I had Mason with me the whole time, and than Stefan, my best friend came over. We just kinda hung out in my room or outside, for the first time in a long time I also went to my friends house! We laid in her bed most of the time though haha. I feel horrible right now, and my arms are very weak, like I can barley lift them, they are really shaky too. Which is making it hard to type, and I keep spelling things completely wrong! Thank god for spell check.
Well thats it for right now, ill try and write something tomorrow.

I’m Trying So Hard Not To Fall

I haven't seen my friends in forever, I haven't even really been talking to them, so last night I went to eat with my friend. I did not feel like doing anything, so we went to target, and ate in the food court. Yes I know haha. We got a small personal pizza, and than just hung out some. I was already wanting to leave within 5 minutes!
Now I am paying for it all! Little demons are having a hay day with my body, playing with blow torches, and pitch forks.
I cant even sit here and focus on what I am actually typing Erg!
Tomorrow I have a appointment in Austin with a rheumotologist. I have to wake up early, err! We have to leave by 8:30 or 9, and than drive to Austin, than I probably get to sit in the waiting room and than sit in the exam room for even longer to wait to be seen by a doctor. Ugh it all makes me tired just thinking about it.
I will probably post a little something later, but for now I am off!

Here is a song for you guys to enjoy, and happens have part of the lyrics in this posts title!

Good News! :)

I went to see Dr. Bacon today, it was my first appointment with him, and I am very impressed! This is the best appointment I have had in a very long time. I feel like I am actually getting somewhere. I new it was going to be a good appointment before even seeing the doctor. The nurse was so kind, and it seemed like she actually understood and was very knowledgeable. For instance, when my mom was saying that other doctors kept making me go to psychologist after psychologist, because they thought depression and anxiety was causing my pain, even though all the psychologists kept saying no they did not believe that. The nurses reply was that's wrong the pain causes depression and anxiety. I knew right than she understood! Finally someone that doesn't deal with this actually understands!
My mom said she thought she was going to cry, because someone was actually listening, and he actually examined me! Not like every other doctor who never even touched me or anything!
The exam was very painful, I thought I was gonna scream, I could barley contain myself. My mom was even tensing up and looking away. He actually listened to what I had to say, and how it felt. He also tested me for fibromyalgia and said I had 8 or 9 of the trigger points out of 18, so I didn't have FM. 
He prescribed oral Ketamine, and some other things. He also said to get a check up with my cardiologist, and also to have a 24 hour EKG (I think maybe it was 12 hr?). He also said he thinks we should do the outpatient Ketamine infusions. He said he follows Dr. S's protocol and talks with him, so that is good. If the outpatient one helps than I guess we will look into getting the higher dose inpatient one, now that we have someone we know can do the boosters!
Although we originally said there was no way we would do the Ketamine outside of a hospital, Dr. Bacon made us feel comfortable about it. I will have monitors on and everything. I will have a nurse there the whole time, and they have not had anything serious ever happen, and plus knowing he is close with Dr. S helped!
So I hope we can get this sometime soon! And hope I can get in to see the cardiologist soon, so I can get the Ketamine set up! I also have a appointment Friday with a new Rheumotologist, so lets hope that goes well too.

Doctors Appointment Tomorrow. Maybe New Beginning???

Still have not had improvement pain wise, it is still really bad! Finally have a doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr. Bacon! It is my first appointment with him and I am super excited! I feel like this could be a new beginning, maybe I will finally get some answers and help. His name has come up a few times, here and there, and has been recommended a few times. He has been recommended to me by Maria before, she sees him personally. When I told her a got in to see him she said I will probably get more answers from him than I have in a long time. I am hoping I will! Not sure what time my appointment is, but I will have a update sometime after it.

I have a new way of describing what is going on with me. It is like little demons are attacking your body, with torch's and pitch forks. Too bad I can not tell a doctor that, or I will end up in a mental hospital, but it is a good way to describe it to others when they dont listen to anything else you say!
I came across this blog the other day that describes RSD too well, and is great when you need a laugh! I love it and had to share!
http://rsdiary.wordpress.com/

Enjoy looking around the blog, and enjoy the laughs!

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Happy thanksgiving to everyone.
I really did not want to go to my grandmas for thanksgiving today, because I do not feel good, but I dragged myself anyways! Didnt really eat, than come home and eat a little, and than had the worst cramps, and do not feel good! :(
Ive been getting this way for a little while but not every time after I eat, it kinda comes and goes! Which I can not figure out why! I havent said anything about it yet, but I guess I will have to now.
Pain is still the same as it has been! Errr!
Do not feel like typing anymore, so this will be my very short update, maybe I will post later.

Wild Horses I Wanna Be Like You!

This song is my song right now. It is a amazing song and fits me so perfectly. Horses are the only things that keep me going, and give me a reason to live. I can not ride right now, which kills me, but I still know I will ride again and that is enough to keep me going.
Right now things are hard, but I still have hope, and I still believe!

Right now my feet are ice cold, my body is in flames, and I am being stabbed over and over. I am in agony, my neck and legs are so weak. My neck cant support me head, and my legs can not support my body. On top of that I have a headache! And we are having thanksgiving with my moms family today at my house, and tomorrow for my dads side at my grandmas! Not looking forward to any of this at all.
My brother has been here all day along with his girlfriend and dog, which they annoy me sometimes.
I am going to be getting Sims 3 Pets, which was recommended to me by someone who's daughter has RSD, and also rides horses. Me and her daughter are so similar that it is kinda scary! She said her daughter plays this game, and in the game she is able to be with her horses, and ride. So I hope I can live my life through the game while I can not actually live it at the moment! I am hoping it doesn't just depress me more, and make me wish I could ride, and be with horses!

Six Feet From The Edge.

Yes my title is yet again part of a song. It is from the song One Last Breathe by Creed.
I feel like I am "Six feet from the edge, and I am thinking six feet aint so far down"
I am lost in this world of pain, and I can not take it anymore. Why cant anyone see I am dying inside, they cant hear my screams, but it doesn't mean I am not screaming. I want help, I need help, and fast. I want someone to understand me, and than maybe they will realize how far from "fine" and "okay" I am. I especially want a doctor to not just look at the outside, but see the inside, and realize that I am not okay, that I am dying inside. I may look fine on the outside but inside I am being torn to pieces. If anyone took the chance to really look into my eyes maybe they would see that? Maybe then I could get the help I need.
Why is it so hard to find someone to help? Is it the same for everyone or is it my age?
Yesterday someone with RSD I know posted a picture at the ER, of course I asked why she was there. She replied saying the pain was too much so she went it. I asked her what they did, she said they give her IV pain medication.
Why dont they ever help me? Just because I am not a adult doesnt mean I dont deserve the same care a adult gets! Is it cause I am young? Or is it just the hospitals in my area do not care? Or is it cause I dont show the pain as much as a adult would?
I should not have to fight and try so hard to get help, they are there to help right? Why don't they!?
I really do think it is our dumb hospitals though, because I know other people my age with the same issues and their hospitals help them, but when I go they either write me off as drug seeking, over exaggerating, or simply do not care. It makes me wonder if it came down to a life or death situation if anyone would help me, or if they would just let me die? 

Owww why do I have to suffer like this! :(

My body is in flames, while I am being stabbed to death, it is hell! Cant write much but wanted to write a little something. I just watched the Ketamine Coma interview my news station did, it sucked it was like 40 seconds long! They barley said anything! At least they said the name of the disease, but if you blinked you missed the them saying it.
I tried to get sleep today but too much pain to get to sleep and was not even slightly comfortable no matter what! Took a shower earlier but it was too painful, and I did have enough energy to wash my hair and was not even going to try to shave my legs with the pain! So it was a very quick shower. Dont have the energy and am in too much pain to write more, but will try to tomorrow.

Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence.

I have reached the end, this is it, I can not take it anymore and I will not take it anymore. If they do not do something now, I will do something my self, anything to make this go away. I will not deal with this any longer. I am done. I am done fighting, I am done suffering all alone in this world.
I can no longer handle this life, I need help and I need it now. I am not going to wait for someone to do something, if they fail to believe how bad I am and wont do something now, than I will find a way to make it go away.

Update.....

Lets see well Friday I did end up going to Rockport, Texas to my grandpas house. It is a 2-3 hour drive, and it was not pleasant. Than after that drive, that night I felt horrible! I also woke up with this very sharp stabbing pain under my arm and any movement made it worse, I put pressure on the area and held it, I fell back asleep like that and woke up and it was fine.
On Saturday I went to the store, and had a turkey dinner for thanksgiving. Today, Sunday, I went to my friends for another thanksgiving dinner! I really did not want to go at all, and I didnt feel good and just wanted to lay down and die! But of course I went, because she is leaving tomorrow morning at 5 for New York and I havent really seen her in a while.
The whole time all I could think about was going home, I just wanted to leave and go to bed. I stayed for what seemed like forever though! Now I am finally going to bed, just took my medicine and hoping I can get some sleep.

Err, Ugh, Ahh! ;(

Well the PM that I was seeing, the one I am leaving, well I called her because that was really the only thing I could at least try. She took my off LDN so I can now take narcotics. Than she phoned in Tramadol/APAP 325, said take 2 every 6 hours. It is not working at all, I thought it would at least make me tired and hopefully get my some rest, but nope it has not even phased me!
Today I have just been laying on the couch, trying not to scream and cry! And I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I have been needing to do for a while, so I am doing it today.
I am supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon to my Grandpas in Rockport, Texas. I am fine with going, since I wont be doing much, I can just sit around the house or whatever, but it is a 3 hour drive, which I am not looking forward to. So I am excited about going because I have not been up there in forever, and also I might get to see breaking dawn there when it comes out, if there showing it and it wont be all crowded, and I can probably lay down. lol but than again I dont want to be miserable the whole way and than the whole time to!
I just dont know what to do anymore, it is killing me!
Not sure if my mom got homebound set back up, but I am glad I am at least not having to do school right now! But than again I will have to catch up and will have a lot to do probably.
Well that is all for this post, but I also wanted to share a song, I do not believe I have shared yet, and I love it!
It is called Hero Of War by Rise Against!

Barley hanging on.........

Im hanging on, but barley. I do not think I can deal with this much longer, I sure as hell do not want to!
A RSDer in a group I belong to posted this something like what I am about to post below, so I decided to do my own.

I am tired of constant pain that would send others to the ER
I am tired of being in bed all the time
I am tired of not being able to go to school
I am tired of not being able to enjoy time with friends
I am tired of the horrible symptoms
I am tired of people telling me I dont look sick
I am tired of people thinking I am okay
I am tired of no one understanding
I am tired of ignorant doctors
I am tired of fighting to be normal
I am tired of not being able to live my life
I am tired of "friends" not being there for me
I am tired of feeling alone
I am tired of being sick

Again I did not really come up with this idea I took it from someone in a RSD group, but I changed it into things I am tired of, instead of things he put he was "sick of" So credit for the idea goes to him! 

Pain, pain go away, dont come back another day!

It is raining, and storming here is Texas, and my RSD is not happy with that! Still feel pretty much the same as yesterday, with some added pain in my left leg.
Did not want to even get out of bed today, but I did, but I am now back in bed only got up for 5 or 10 minutes before coming back.
Ready for this to all end, and ready to have my life back!
I am going back on Hospital/Homebound school program. I left Connections Academy the online school, I was way to far behind, and it was too hard.
The only bad thing now is my mom emailed me old homebound teacher, and she said they changed homebound, and now she is only aloud to teach the special education kids! Now the "regular" homebound kids will have a teacher from the school? So like a teacher from Johnson comes I guess, maybe during their off periods. I have no idea, how it will work, but this I still believe is the best option for me.

That is all I am going to write for right now, maybe I will write more later! But here is a song I would like to share with you guys.

I feel horrible, tried to sleep today but couldnt!

Owwww! Everything just hurts. My leg feels like it is being ripped into pieces, and the air just came on, and my leg just flipped out. My ribs and back feel like someone is stabbing me with knifes while I am on fire! It just hurts so flippin bad, I can not take this anymore!
I tried to listen to some music and sleep today, but no luck. I need to be put out of my misery now, I need this nightmare to end!
And to top it off my hands keep twitching while I am typing making this hard to write! I probably look like a freak doing it too, my muscles keep like tightening up, which causes twitching, and makes me like mess around with my hands in the middle of typing. Good thing I am alone in bed though, so no one is here to see it anyway ;)
Neil at least put a smile on my face, he said when I cant be he will be strong for me, and that he wishes he could be here laying with me, and he could whisper in my ear that everything will be okay:) He always knows what to say to make smile during the hardest of times.

I wanted to ask you guys to pray for my friend Nina, she has been going through a lot, she found out the other day on top of everything else, she has a blood clot on her heart due to her port! She needs yours prayers, it is a very difficult time for her as she is fighting for her life, and having to hear the doctors say they dont know what else to do. She has god by her side, and I have a feeling everything will be okay, and yet again she will make it out. Please keep her in your prayers.

Ouch! I feel like I am slowling dying!

I woke up this morning, with my pain unbearable in my ribs and back, and it has stayed that way. It is horrible, I can not take it! It hurts so bad to breath, and my bra is hurting me so bad.
I dont know what to do, I asked on Yahoo Answers if anyone had any suggestions, and everyone just said either call a ambulance or go to the ER.
I wish I had a doctor to call, to see what they would suggest, but I dont have a doctor right now! I am in the process of getting a new one, as no one knows what to do, or their too ignorant. I dont have a appointment with Dr. Bacon until after thanksgiving.
Someone should message me on facebook with ideas on what to do!

Ugh, and Err is all I can say.

Where to start? Not too much "new" things going on really. Although I have been having some pains in my chest, which I have had before, it just not the same as I get most of the time, although have before. I get it at night when I am laying down. It is a really bad deep pain in my left side of my chest, into my shoulder, and down to my left arm. I try to move to my side usually and just pray it doesnt last long. I have also been having those fluttering feelings in my chest, and like a sinking feeling, it comes at random. Like yesterday night at my uncles I was standing there eating, yes standing, which is maybe why! I was probably up to long, but anyways it was randomly happening than! I have had this in the past so it isnt really new.
Pain of course has been bad, and I have been having some issues with my left ankle. I keep getting this sharp pain where I can not walk on it, or put any pressure, it may be my ankle coming out not sure.
I got a appointment with Dr. Bacon for the end of this month! I really can not wait, an RSD friend of mine had recommended him before, so I told her the other day I got a appointment. Me and her were talking about it, and she was saying he is close with Dr. S, and how he is always looking for new ways he can help us, and how knowledgeable he is. I had made the comment "I feel like I am taking 2 steps forward by seeing him" She had replied that she really thinks with him we will get more answers than we have in a really long time! So I am hoping this appointment may turn things around, and I may start going forward.
School of course has just been horrible! I have such bad grades, and am so far behind. My psychologist said that it may be better to go back on hospital/homebound. Which I was glad she saw it the way I did! I do believe it will help me out, having someone there to help me, and its not as much work! Which will be a big relief, and this will relieve tons of stress. 

I never got around to posting on here on veterans day, but I did want to say I thank my cousins husband Jeff for fighting for us, and I am glad he is home safe right now, and I pray god continues to walk beside him and helps him through his problems, and when he returns to fight walks by him while he fights and brings him home safe. Thank you to all the men and women who serve in our military, and are fighting for our freedom, god bless them all.
And for Graham Harris my brothers best friend, someone very close to our family. We will never forgot you, and we love you. I cant imagine what you must of been going through, and must of seen, to make you shoot yourself. Graham was on duty in Afghanistan, when he shot himself in a tower that was said to be under attack. I do not know why he did it, maybe he was in a situation where he new he was going to die, and was not going to let the enemy have the pleasure of killing him so instead he did it himself. The war made him do this, that is all I know, and he died a hero, he fought for us, and thats all that matters.
Here is a video I made in honor of him.

Update, bad and a little good news!

Well Friday I left for my ranch, for opening weekend here in Texas. I really did not want to go, even before leaving I kept telling myself I didn't want to go, and on the way there I was like "I should of just stayed home" and I continued to think that the whole time there, especially the first night, I guess the car ride really got to me! Well my last day there, Sunday, at about 7:30 I got the first buck of the season! Its a small 10 pointer, but still the first buck of the season! So thats the good news.
Well the last few days have been bad, on top of everything I am sick, with like bronchitis or pneumonia, not sure what. I have been feeling really bad, today I forced myself to go eat dinner with friends like I try to do every once in a while, because I cant loose the only 2 friends I have left.
Than my dad goes to say if I feel good enough to go with friends, I should be able to finish my school work. I understand where hes coming from, but I dont feel good enough to go, I just cant loose my friends and make myself more depressed, I just cant!
I hate that they had to bring up the fact that I am going to pretty much be behind this whole year and probably wont even pass. Well yeah I know, but I try not to think about that because, than it just makes me think that I honestly have no reason to live. Really, I don't, if I fail than I don't go to college, and I wont have a job or good life at all, and plus to add that medically I probably wont be able to do what I want in life anyway and with no school than yeah my dreams are crushed, bye bye life.

Another Update!

So lets see still paying for Halloween night of course! And today I had a doctors appointment with the PM, who I dont really like. Today she just pissed me off, and said some things that really just got me! She says, my son had heart surgery, and he ran a 5k yesterday and he is getting good grades in school, and if he can than so can you, you can not use pain as a excuse to that. Really right there I wanted to say "You know what, that is not even a logical statement, my problems are completely different than his, and that just really just plan rude and I am offended"
I told a RSD friend what she said, and she said "My daughter who is blind just ran a marathon, it doesnt mean I can!" Exactly she tried to compare two completely different things, and what really ticked me off is she knows nothing about me, or my medical issues or how I feel! And she doesnt even think I have RSD, which I know I do, and she said I dont have the main symptoms, ummm the main symptom is sensitivity to touch and major pain. Last time I checked I have that, which she wouldnt know because she never asked or even checked! 
Than she says that if I ate better, and didnt drink soda we would see a major change in things! Really wow, I never knew the reason I was in so much agony was because I drink soda, and dont eat 100% healthy, wow problem solved I better tell everyone there problems will go away if you eat and drink better amazing! Like really dont even try to say that to me, if my mom wouldnt have been there I would of said bullshit!

After today's appointment, and all the stress of just hearing her say hurtful things the whole time, I am in agony! I feel horrible, I didnt even feel like eating dinner I was in too much pain!
As many of you know its RSD awareness month, so I have been posting stuff about RSD on Facebook. Well my "Best Friend" Posted the yesterday, I hate when people fill up my news feed with there life problems, and all that, I dont want to read all that crap. I know that was probably aimed towards me, and that hurt knowing he could care less about what I deal with on a daily basis. Why cant anyone understand! I feel so alone, I have people who understand online, because they deal with what I do, but no one thats actually here with me that understands! Yesterday I asked my mom to get me something and my aunt taps me on the leg (Which why cant people get how bad that hurts me!) and than said "You have two legs, and your young you can get it yourself!" No one knows how bad that hurt to hear that, especially when I was already really upset. Right before she said that I had found out about something that really upset me.
My brothers best friend, Graham, was killed in Afghanistan, in 2007 at the age of 19. It was said while he was on duty, the tower he was at, where they found him dead in was under attack, so they figured he was shot and died. Yesterday his mom posted, that as part of her healing process it was time to let people know that, the night he was on duty and died in the tower, he had committed suicide. I can not imagine what he must have seen and gone through over there to make him desperately want a way out of that place, which led him to make the choice of killing himself. I was young when in happened, but I remember him, and I remember the day my brother and parents went to the funeral. My brother still to this day says that was the worst of his life, and it will always be. Graham, you will always be in our hearts, and greatly missed. R.I.P Graham Harris.
So after hearing that and than my aunt saying what she did, and than now today the doctors appointment, it is just really hitting me hard.
Right now I can barley breathe, with the agonizing pain, and keep having to hold my breath.
I am going to try and make a tribute video for Graham, for veterans day, and I will post it on here, and facebook!

Cant Escape Even When Asleep!? What!?

I need some help guys, does anyone else have dreams revolving around whats going on? 

Like we used to tell doctors the only time I can escape this horrible disease is when I am knocked out, but lately I have realized my dreams revolve around pain or other symptoms! Like I will dream I am trapped in a fire burning to death, or being shot, or in a car accident or other things. 

Well lately I have been having trouble breathing and it hurts to breath, and last night in my dream I was really dizzy, and it was like a reality dream like where its normal, your in a house and every things normal, well in that dream I was dizzy and feeling like passing out, than all of a sudden the next thing I remember is I cant breathe and I am calling out to my mom, but I can barley speak or anything so they cant hear me, well than I kinda thing I was half awake in my dream because I was in my bed and I was having trouble breathing and I was trying to call my parents and I was in a ton of pain, but I dont know if that was real or not? And than after a really strange dream about my dog being a guinea pig, and a turtle, but not like he was changing into things but in different parts of my dreams he was something different, and I thought nothing of it, and also in that dream I was also in pain and having all this other stuff go on!  Does anyone else have dreams that relate to things going on right now?

Update Thingy!

Okay well lets see, Saturday I went to a party with my momma and little sister, at my moms friends house. It was kinda boring but it was good because I just walk around with little baby Mason, but from holding him my arms got so weak and I could barley lift them!
Than Sunday which was yesterday, I carved my pumpkin, I didnt feel like carving it, but I had bought it thinking I would want to carve one, so why waist it!? Thank god, Karly took most of the insides for me! But by the end of doing that I was already so exhausted, and I felt sick! I did manage to carve it though, and it turned out pretty good!
Now for tonight, I have some friends coming over, and I am going to dress like a zombie like I did Saturday. I made my costume Saturday in 10 minutes, I got a old shirt and jeans, and ripped them up with a razor blade. I splattered and smeared this blood looking paint all over them, then I cut up a bandana and tied it around my forehead, and smeared blood on it. I than put grass stains on the jeans. I messed up my hard and made my face look more place than it already is lol, and put some black makeup on too, around my eyes and stuff!
So I have had a full weekend and I know I will regret it, I actually tried to cancel my plans today, but Stefan was all mad, and I said fine just come over whatever! Than of course he texted me "You know how much I love you?" I said "How much" he said "Look outside and count the stars"
I could of been a smart ass and said good try at being sweet and all but its day time! Haha. He probably found that on the internet and didnt even think wait its day time! Haha.

So whatever Happy Halloween, hope everyone has a great low pain day!
Now enjoy this amazing song!

Video Project!

I am doing a video project! I want anyone with RSD to help me out, spread the word, put this on as many RSD message boards as possible. I would like to get the videos ASAP, so I can get this video ready before the end of November! Here is the info!

I am going to be making a video, of the voices of RSD. I want you guys to film yourself saying something about RSD, how it has changed your life, or whatever. Or if you do not want to video yourself than you can write something on a piece of paper, in black marker and take a picture with or without you in it! Send it to me through this email- voicesofrsd@yahoo.com

You can get some ideas from this video or anywhere! if you can not think of any!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIfohCubP88&list=FLY53yht0An4fEkApmTYK4GQ&index=3&feature=plpp_video

I dont really want stories of what happened though please! And I can not assure that everyones will be put in the video but I will try!

Autonomic Dysfunction!

Okay so I decided to make a post for autonomic dysfunction. I know my body best, and although I have not been diagnosed with a autonomic dysfunction, such as POTS syndrome. I truly believe I do have POTS syndrome. The more I read about it, and the more I watch this one girl, Nina's, blog I really truly believe I have it. I have pretty much every symptoms described! And also one of the signs is you have some Ehlers Danlos Syndrome symptoms, but you don't have all, the symptoms of EDS that most autonomic dysfunction people have, is hyper mobility! Which is what I have, but they are not really flexible everywhere like with EDS, it is like they have more just hyper mobility! So that's me right there, many doctors say no I do not have EDS, even though a doctor told me I do, so now this gets me thinking well since they say I don't fit EDS I am only hyper mobile, than this fits autonomic dysfunction!
I really fit POTS perfectly, like when I read about it for the first time a light bulb went off, and I was like wow this is me! Which I love that feeling! 
Earlier today I was sitting in my psychologist appointment, and I got what people with POTS describe sometimes, which this is not the first time I have gotten this, I have gotten hundreds of times! And I also noticed when I was in the hospital in PT and stuff I got what everyone describes when they do any type of physical activity! A few times they even took me up stairs to get my blood pressure and pulse, because it had been really high, and every time it was really high! And also POTS people say when they stand there pulse and blood pressure go up a lot, well in the hospital at one point they wanted to take it laying, than siting, and than had me stand and take it, because I was passing out and getting really dizzy when I sat up and stuff. They were like well that's weird we expected your pulse and blood pressure to drop when your sitting and standing and that's what would be causing this, but instead it went up a lot, well that's what happens in POTS!


So now what is autonomic dysfunction!? 
Dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) is known as dysautonomia. The autonomic nervous system regulates unconscious body functions, including heart rate, blood pressure, temperature regulation, gastrointestinal secretion, and metabolic and endocrine responses to stress such as the "fight or flight" syndrome. As regulating these functions involves various and multiple organ systems, dysfunctions of the autonomic nervous systems encompass various and multiple disorders.
Persons with autonomic dysfunction who do not exhibit the classical symptoms of orthostatic hypotension may exhibit a less dramatic dysfunction termed orthostatic intolerance. These patients experience a milder fall in blood pressure when attempting to stand. However, because the patients have an increased heart rate when standing, they are described as having postural tachycardia syndrome (POTS).

Symptoms of Autonomic Dysfunction 

-Dizziness

-Lightheadedness

-Vertigo (room spinning or the sensation of spinning)

-Feeling faint (pre-syncope)

-Fainting (syncope)

-Chest pain or pressure

-Excessive fatigue

-Rapid heart rate (tachycardia)

-Stomach pain

-Intestinal cramping

-Nausea

-Vomiting

-Retching

-Exercise Intolerance: becoming short of breath on mild exertion,
having chest pain or palpitations on mild exertion. Having excessive
heart rate during or immediately after exercise. Leg cramps or
numbness of arms and legs during or after mild exercise.

-Visible pooling in arms and legs: Deep purple-red color in fingers
and toes.

-White appearance of fingers. Some present with white patches of skin
on arms and legs.

-Extremely cold hands and feet.

-Numbness of hands and feet.

-Muscle weakness

-Muscle and joint pain

-Tremors or mild shaking of hands

-Frequent headaches or migraine headaches

-Irritability due to decreased blood flow to the brain

-Feeling anxious/Having panic attacks due to increased production of
adrenaline

-Mood changes

-Forgetfullness

-Inability to concentrate or remember (frequently referred to
as "brain fog")

-Inability to tolerate changes in temperature

-Decreased sweating or excessive sweating

-Abnormal deep tendon reflexes may or may not be present.

-Basic neurological exam is normal.

-Intelligence normal when receiving adequate cerebral perfusion.

 

Less frequently recognized signs and symptoms:

 

-Insomnia

-Disruption of sleep/wake cycle usually consisting of increased
energy late in the evening and lowest energy level in the morning
irregardless of amount or quality of sleep.

-Central sleep apnea

-Need to sleep 12-14 hours in order to complete simple activities of
daily living.

-Anoxic or convulsive seizures that are not epileptic.

-Frequent need to urinate at night.

-Upon standing feels head is "heavy". This resolves with lying down
or with walking around.

-Decrease in (or absence of) lubricating tears in the eye.

-Sensitivity to bright, florescent light and bright sunlight. Many patients report feeling pre-syncopal in large grocery stores and
department stores that use excessive florescent lighting. Flashing
lights and multi-colored lighting can also produce symptoms.

-Visual distortion: Television screens and computer screens can
appear distorted, especially post-syncopal or pre-syncopal episode.
Flat screens are recommended.

-Distorted depth perception resulting in a feeling of unsteadiness.
Often appears to be "clumsy" or excessively cautious when climbing
stairs, reaching for an object, etc.

-Other visual disturbances include a graying out or blacking out of
the visual field; either partially or completely.

-Decreased awareness of what is in the peripheral visual field. This
often causes the patient to startle because they did not perceive
anyone or anything next to them.

-Frequent "bumping into things". Attributed to a combination of
visual and depth perception deficits.

-Noise sensitivity. Loud or beating sounds can cause pre-syncopal
episodes. Difficulty filtering out sounds. Easily distracted by
sounds.

-Sensitivity to odors, even pleasant smelling chemicals such as
perfume. Odors such as cleaning products, gasoline, strong foods,
etc. may cause extreme nausea, retching, vomiting, dizziness and
headache.

Decrease production of saliva or excessive production of saliva.

-Severe constipation and decreased gut motility.

-Weight gain irregardless of diet modifications.

-Overall slowing of metabolism is common. -Increased metabolism (rare)

-Excessive gut motility leading to chronic diarrhea and weight loss.
(less common)

-Sensitivity to touch. Mild pat on the arm or squeeze of the hand can
cause excruciating pain especially right after an episode or if the
patient has not had enough sleep.

-Decrease sensitivity to pain/touch in certain areas. If standing or
sitting too long causes hands and feet to turn cold and blue, patient
will have decreased sensation in these areas due to poor blood flow.

-Taste and appetite changes. Fruits and other acidic foods may taste
extremely acidic. Foods may taste differently if patient is tired,
stressed, or post-syncopal episode.

-Hair loss due to decreased blood supply to hair folicles.

-Speech disturbances: Inability to finish an expressed thought, loss
of train of thought, "spoonerisms", especially if up and about for 2
hours or more without lying flat and resting.

-Comprehension difficulties. Inability to follow a conversation. May
hear words but is unable to understand their context in the sentence.
Cannot focus on more than one activity at a time. May not realize
they are being addressed. Losses conversation focus when topic is
changed. Is easily distracted from the conversation focus by any
environmental stimuli.

-Memory recall deficits in long and short term memory. Improves with
lying down and resting.

-Abdominal migraines. Severe stomach pain triggered by large meal or
by sitting or standing too long. Usually resolves if patient lies
quietly.

-Drifting to the right or left when walking. Most commonly patients
report drifting to the left. Many patients report always fainting to
the left as well. Appears to be unrelated to hand-dominance, but
further research is needed.

-Tend to have mild symptoms of Ehlers-Danlos, but do not necessarily
test positive for the disease. This includes hypermobile joints,
double joints, and soft, velvet-like skin that has little or no
texture.

-Often has another auto-immune disorder.

-Family History of auto-immune disorder or symptoms that resemble
autonomic dysfunction.

-Appears to have more viral illnesses than general population. Often
diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome.

So now that we got that covered I wanted to add in this a update kinda. Well I have kinda a newish symptom, I haven't really said anything about it, because I was seeing if it would just go away I guess, and because its not as major as everything else! Well I have been having kind like stomach cramps, I guess they don't last long, and I mainly get them after eating, but not always. I also have been having more nausea recently, like its not that bad, its more like it has been for a while, like where I wouldn't consider it a symptom, just something that kinda is sometimes there just more frequently than it was. Well thats really it to add to everything else!

Want To Go To Bed And Never Wake Up!

I am glad I had my few days of a tiny bit of relief, if you could call it that, but now its all catching back up! I am in so much pain, weak, and to top it off I have a cold!
My ribs are so incredibly painful, my spine hurts bad, and my lungs hurt!
Have been getting some tremors. Err I thought the medication was helping with that!
And last night I woke up, and from like my shoulders down, I felt like they were super heavy, and I couldnt move! Which I am not sure if I could move because I didnt actually try, not sure why I wouldnt!
Well I guess I am going to try and sleep, and eat something!

I wanted to share this song with you guys, its a original song by this girl names Casey Cattie. The song is call Back To You!

Uhh Bad Night! :(

"You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have"

I had a few good days, where I felt a tiny bit better, and now I guess is pay back for everything I did on those few days! I cant breathe, I just want to scream! I literally can not move at all, without extreme pains! Every breathe I take feels like my last! Why, does it have to be like this? I thought maybe things were looking up for me, and I was going to slowly get better, but nope I was wrong! I guess god just decided to give me a few days with a little less pain. My ribs are insanely painful, I just want to go to bed and never wake up!
I don't know how much longer I will be able to handle this, I don't want to live my whole life feeling this way! I pray I can find something to even help a little with this horrible pain!

Just As I Thought Things Were Looking A Lil Better......

I had finally thought things were looking a tiny bit better, and everything just goes back to "normal"
I feel like cutting my leg off again, lungs hurt, hurts to breathe, and just feel like crap all over! And today I actually cried, of course no one was home! But it felt good, to let some out, I needed that.
Something was helping my tremors, but now my hands feel pretty weak, and a little twitchy, not exactly tremors but twitches! Gonna spend some time on six billion secrets, and than try and go to bed.

I have a song to share with you guys....The other day two of my friends wouldn't quit talking about how they think god isn't real, and the bible didn't make any since, which how would they know, they don't know one bit of the bible!? All I could think about is look around, how could you think god isn't real? Honestly I feel sorry for them, and hope they can find god, and realize how amazing he is!
So here is the song I wanted to share it is Trent Willmon-There Is A God

Have not been on in a while!

No I am not abandoning this page, because I opened another I just have not had really anything to write about, although I can say I kinda stopped doing song of the day obviously! Haha. It got a little old, so I stopped it, but anyways here is a small update.
I do not believe I wrote on here about my recent fall? Anyways a few weeks ago, my grandparents were on there way back from Colorado, to Rockport, and they stayed here Wensday night. I decided I was going to have my first day back riding horses, on Thursday so they could come, and watch. Well everything was going great, other than the fact that I was a little rusty, and Cherokee, seemed a little sensitive although I did not realize any cuts or anything while grooming and tacking up. Well we went to canter/lope on the lunge line, and let me remind you I ride bareback and bridleless! So we were going great, and looked good until the lunge line decided to break off! What!? Yes it broke! So Cherokee takes off, and I guess I hit my heal on him and he went into a gallop, and I was thrown off! I landed completely on my lower back first, than hit my head, causing my helmet to listen, and pretty much come off. Well one trainer ranch over to my side, and quickly my trainer was over there too. They gently removed my helmet, and realized I was having some trouble breathing, and asked me if it hurt to breathe, yes it did, so they wanted to get me on my side to open my airways. Well pain shot through my back when they barley moved me to they layed me falt, and decided I shouldnt be moved, and we should call a ambulance, but I didnt want them to call! So I laid there for a while beofre we were able to get me up and take me to her office to lay on the couch. Another 15 minutes go by and she says she wants me to go to the hospital. So I spent the night in the hospital, and the next day barley able to move! I am still recovering but am doing better.

New blog!

I have a new blog called Horses Give You Strength.
It is going to be a blog all about horses, my first post is about how horses help people with physical and mental disabilities. Please check it out!
http://horsesgiveyoustrength.blogspot.com/

If I Could Have Anything In The World.....

If I could have anything in the world, it would be a best friend, someone to get me through all the hard times. Someone to be there for me no matter what. Someone I can always trust, someone to teach me. Someone to make me happy, when nothing else can.  If I could have anything in the world it would be a horse. Everyday at 11:11 I wish for one thing, a horse, and I know someday my wish WILL come true! Even if I cant own I horse I just wish I could at least lease one!
Now enjoy this video I made! :)

Yet Again, Today Sucks!

I am not going to write much but today has pretty much sucked. My lungs hurt, it hurts to breath, my ribs and back are killing me. I had to do more typing for school today so my hands keep twitching and I am getting tremors in them! Which caused me to pretty much screw up in that class today. I am so tired too, I dont even feel like moving. I am stressing out about school so much, so thats probably why things are worse, I just want to drop out!
I know I barley wrote anything but really not feeling up to writing so sorry, maybe I will write more tonight!

Just A Vent Kinda.

I am so tired of people not taking me seriously, or just not believing me I guess. First off today we were talking about Halloween and I said to the guy that was with us, you should have a party, your the only one out of us who actually has money to do anything and my other friend agrees and I said yeah me and her cant afford anything. His reply was dont even play the poor card like her you have money dont lie. I was like umm do you know how much dept we have because of medical bills? And my other friend backed me up. But really why would I lie about that? Maybe I dont talk about it like my other friend but thats because its personal and its not like I want everyone knowing I dont have any money.
And my mom, again with my mom, she just doesn't believe me when I say oww that hurt! Like the other day she sprayed water on my leg from on of those spray bottles you iron with, and I flinched and said oww that hurt, and she just rolled her eyes and was like are you serious its water. Umm yes and I have RSD and it hurts me really badly, maybe I don't show how bad it actually hurts like I used to but it does! And today she hit my leg with her computer cord and I did the same thing and she was like seriously it barley even hit you, well yes it barley hit me but it felt like you just stabbed me!
And the other night, the same friend as the one above, called wanting me to go to this thing and I said no my parents said I couldn't go its not in a safe area, which was true but in all honesty I wasn't gonna go anyway because I didn't feel like going. Well he starts yelling and cussing at me saying I didn't even ask, and he hates me and all that because I wont go! And he wouldn't believe me that they said NO! Well than I decide to make other plans to hang with my cousin and people she knows, well he calls and talks all nice and was like so we are not gonna go there anymore so wanna go with us somewhere else? So of course I was pissed at him so I was gonna be short so I just said no and he gets kinda pissed and says why and I said I made plans with other people and then he just said whatever and hung up.

Song Of The Day!

The song for today is Wideawake- Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow
This song was written about someone very close to Scott, the lead singer, this song was on itunes and all of the proceeds went to the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Although this song was written about cancer I think a lot of different illnesses can fit this song.

Horses!

Well I have not been riding lately due to all my medical problems! But Stephanie the owner of where I ride at, had texted me saying just to come up there sometime and visit with her and the horses. So today my dad was off of work so I decided to go up there. I had a great time, I loved seeing her and the horses. I brought some apples with me and fed the horses, and petted and just visited them. We also have a new addition to out family there, he is a mini horse and his name is CJ (Cisco Jr.) Because he looks like a mini version of Cisco one of our other horses! He is a birthday present for her daughter who is turning 1, Kimberly!
It made me feel so much better to be with the horses, they are the only things that make me happy! It made me feel so much better, and happy actually! It also made me really really want a horse of my own even more than I already did!
Here is a picture of CJ the new mini!

This is Koda, she kept trying to lick me and rub her head on me, she must of known I had apples!

They were grooming each other and I thought it was really cute so I had to get a picture!

Song Of The Day!

The song for today is going to be Brooks & Dunn- Cowgirls Dont Cry
This is one of my favorite songs!

Another Bad Day! Uhh!

When will this end! I am beginning to wonder if this will ever end! Will I ever get any amount of relief?
I can not take it much longer, right now my leg is in so much pain I want to cut it off. I dont even want to move a inch it hurts too bad! How do they expect you to go on like this?
I need some serious help pretty soon, I am loosing it! I am not sure what to do any more.
I cant even really type much my hands are so weak and I keep getting twitches when I type. Which sucks because right now in school I have to take a typing class which really sucks because I keep messing up and have to type all slow and have to keep doing it over again! Uhhh!
I am so far behind in school I really think its pointless I am even trying, I am probably going to have to repeat this year anyway.

Well this is extremely short but I can not right anymore, I am in too much pain and too exhausted! 

Song Of The Day!

The song of the day is Deer Tick- Piece By Piece And Frame By Frame
This guy Erik introduced me to them and I fell in love, this is my favorite song by them!

Song Of The Day!

The song I chose for today is Everything by Lifehouse
I love this song, it really touches me deep down, I listen to it all the time!

Song Of The Day!

The song for today is Bob Dylan- Like A Rolling Stone
Well Bob Dylan is amazing and I love all of his songs. My brother sounds a lot like Bob Dylan which is weird since his voice is so unique but many people tell my brother that, and when he left town and I had not heard from him in months, and didnt even know if he was alive, I would listen to Bob Dylan non stop, and Like A Rolling Stone was my favorite song to listen too. It is also one of my brothers favorites! I hope you guys agree its a great song.

Song Of The Day!

The song of the day is Mark Wills- Dont Laugh At Me
This song never gets old no matter how many times I listen to it! It is a amazing song, and very true and meaningful!

Im Against Abortain.

Hi, Mommy.

I'm your baby. You don't know me yet, I'm only a few weeks old. You're going to find out about me soon, though, I promise. Let me tell you some things about me. My name is John, and I've got beautiful brown eyes and black hair. Well, I don't have it yet, but I will when I'm born. I'm going to be your only child, and you'll call me your one and only. I'm going to grow up without a daddy mostly, but we have each other. We'll help each other, and love each other. I want to be a doctor when I grow up.

You found out about me today, Mommy! You were so excited, you couldn't wait to tell everyone. All you could do all day was smile, and life was perfect. You have a beautiful smile, Mommy. It will be the first face I will see in my life, and it will be the best thing I see in my life. I know it already. ... Today was the day you told Daddy. You were so excited to tell him about me! ...He wasn't happy, Mommy. He kind of got angry. I don't think that you noticed, but he did. He started to talk about something called wedlock, and money, and bills, and stuff I don't think I understand yet. You were still happy, though, so it was okay. Then he did something scary, Mommy. He hit you. I could feel you fall backward, and your hands flying up to protect me. I was okay... but I was very sad for you. You were crying then, Mommy. That's a sound I don't like. It doesn't make me feel good. It made me cry, too. He said sorry after, and he hugged you again. You forgave him, Mommy, but I'm not sure if I do. It wasn't right. You say he loves you... why would he hurt you? I don't like it, Mommy.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Finally, you can see me! Your stomach is a little bit bigger, and you're so proud of me! You went out with your mommy to buy new clothes, and you were so so so happy. You sing to me, too. You have the most beautiful voice in the whole wide world. When you sing is when I'm happiest. And you talk to me, and I feel safe. So safe. You just wait and see, Mommy. When I am born I will be perfect just for you. I will make you proud, and I will love you with all of my heart.

I can move my hands and feet now, Mommy. I do it because you put your hands on your belly to feel me, and I giggle. You giggle, too. I love you, Mommy.

Daddy came to see you today, Mommy. I got really scared. He was acting funny and he wasn't talking right. He said he didn't want you. I don't know why, but that's what he said. And he hit you again. I got angry, Mommy. When I grow up I promise I won't let you get hurt! I promise to protect you. Daddy is bad. I don't care if you think that he is a good person, I think he's bad. But he hit you, and he said he didn't want us. He doesn't like me. Why doesn't he like me, Mommy?

You didn't talk to me tonight, Mommy. Is everything okay?

It's been three days since you saw Daddy. You haven't talked to me or touched me or anything since that. Don't you still love me, Mommy? I still love you. I think you feel sad. The only time I feel you is when you sleep. You sleep funny, kind of curled up on your side. And you hug me with your arms, and I feel safe and warm again. Why don't you do that when you're awake, any more?

I'm 21 weeks old today, Mommy. Aren't you proud of me? We're going somewhere today, and it's somewhere new. I'm excited. It looks like a hospital, too. I want to be a doctor when I grow up, Mommy. Did I tell you that? I hope you're as excited as I am. I can't wait.

...Mommy, I'm getting scared. Your heart is still beating, but I don't know what you are thinking. The doctor is talking to you. I think something's going to happen soon. I'm really, really, really scared, Mommy. Please tell me you love me. Then I will feel safe again. I love you!

Mommy, what are they doing to me!? It hurts! Please make them stop! It feels bad! Please, Mommy, please please help me! Make them stop!

Don't worry Mommy, I'm safe. I'm in heaven with the angels now. They told me what you did, and they said it's called an abortion.

Why, Mommy? Why did you do it? Don't you love me any more? Why did you get rid of me? I'm really, really, really sorry if I did something wrong, Mommy. I love you, Mommy! I love you with all of my heart. Why don't you love me? What did I do to deserve what they did to me? I want to live, Mommy! Please! It really, really hurts to see you not care about me, and not talk to me. Didn't I love you enough? Please say you'll keep me, Mommy! I want to live smile and watch the clouds and see your face and grow up and be a doctor. I don't want to be here, I want you to love me again! I'm really really really sorry if I did something wrong. I love you!

I love you, Mommy.

Every abortion is just…

One more heart that was stopped.

Two more eyes that will never see.

Two more hands that will never touch.

Two more legs that will never run.

One more mouth that will never speak.

If you’re against abortion, repost. </3

Song Of The Day!

Rascal Flatts- I Wont Let Go
This song my mom said is her song to me. I love this song so I hope you do too!

Song Of The Day!

The song of the day is Linkin Park- Iridescent
I first heard this song when my brother's best friend Graham, who died in Afghanistan, his mom posted this on facebook saying this was Grahams favorite band and when she heard this song she thought of him and cried, I fell in love with this song right then. So I hope you like it!

Song I Wrote!

So I wrote a song last night, I do not write songs so its not great haha. It is made by a beginner that does not sing or anything! 

Its called Hold Me Now 

Someone hold me now
Someone get me outta here
I cant take this sorrow
Im drowning in this sea of uncertainty
Help me make it to tomorrow
Ohh hold me, hold me now
Pull me away from this pain
Im drowning in this sea of uncertainty
Im left crying in the rain
Trying to Escape
I cant hold on much longer
Im getting close to falling in too deep
Im stronger, but its not enough
So hold me, hold me now.

Depression Cause And Effect

I wrote a paper for English on depression, we had to write a cause and effect essay and I figured this would be the best topic anyways here it is!
Feeling sad, or down from time to time is a normal part of life. Depression is more than just feeling sad, it is prolonged sadness that doesn't go away. Depression makes it tough to function and enjoy life. Hobbies, and friends don't interest you anymore. Some may describe depression as living in a black hole. Not everyone with depression feels sad though, some just feel empty, or angry. Depression varies between people but there are some common signs and symptoms to look out for. Some of the symptoms of depression include: Feeling hopeless, loss of interest, anger, sadness, concentration problems, and sleep changes. These are just a few symptoms of depression, there are many more signs and symptoms that may indicate you are suffering from clinical depression.
It is estimated that 17.5 million Americans have some form of depression. 9.2 million have major or clinical depression. By the year 2020, the World Health Organization estimates that depression will be the number two cause of 'lost years of healthy life." In 1996 suicide was the ninth leading cause of death in the United States.
The causes of depression are not well understood, but are said to be multi-factorial. Studies show that in some cases depression is inherited. Although inheritance is an important factor in depression, it does not account for all cases. Illness is another cause of depression, the stress caused by having a chronic illness can cause major depression. In addition to that some illnesses, such as Addison's disease, can cause depression symptoms. Depression can be caused by a loss of a loved one. The extreme stress caused by a loss, is said to be a cause of major depression. One of the most common causes of depression today is bullying. Many kids and teens are bullied everyday, because of the way they dress, there race, there size, and many other reason.
Nearly 22 percent of the population suffers from depression. 15 percent of depressed people will commit suicide. Between 15 and 25 children every year commit suicide because they are being bullied. Depression can effect a person in many ways, it effects a persons sleeping, and eating patterns. It effects the way they live there life day to day. Depression does not only effect a person emotionally, it can effect a person physically too. It can cause headaches, fatigue, and physical pain through out a persons body. Depression does not only effect the individual with the condition, it can effect the people around them. Depression can lead to anger, self harm, suicide, and much more, and all this can effect the people around them.
There are many ways to treat depression. Medications and psychological counseling help most people suffering from depression. In some cases your regular doctor can prescribe medications to help, but in most cases you need to see a psychiatrist. Many people with benifit seeing a psychologist. There are many different types of depression medications. SSRIs, such as Zoloft are used often, SNRIs are another commonly used drug, such as Cymbalta. Other types of medications include: NDRIs, Atypical antidepressants, Tricyclic antidepressants,and MAOIs. Other froms of medications that are sometimes used may include stimulants, mood-stabilizing medications, anti-anxiety medications or antipsychotic medication. When taking any antidepressent you have a chance of increased suicidal thoughts. If you ever have these thoughts it is very impartant to let a adult know, or go to the local emergency room. Another way to treat depression is by Electroconvulsive therapy. In ECT, electrical currents are passed through the brain. This procedure is thought to affect levels of neurotransmitters in your brain. Some people are leery about ECT and its side effects, but it typically offers immediate relief of even severe depression when other treatments don't work. Other treatments for depression include: Vagus nerve stimulation, Transcranial magnetic stimulation, and Lifestyle changes. In some cases the depression is so severe that a hospital stay is needed. hospitalization may be necessary if you aren't able to care for yourself properly or when you're in immediate danger of harming yourself or someone else. Getting psychiatric treatment at a hospital can help keep you calm and safe until you improve. Partial hospitalization or day treatment programs also are helpful for some people. These programs provide the support and counseling you need while you get symptoms under control.

Cant Really Move! :(

My back is in horrid pain today with every bit of movement, I really do not know what to do "I am down to one last breath." I can not even explain how bad things are getting it really is to the point where I need to get help like now! Also today my mom called Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota, and to see the doctor she wants me to see it is a 15 month waiting list! That is insane but they said to send in all my records and a letter about everything and than they will see when they can see me.
I will not wait that long to get help but even if its that long its best to get on the list, because after the accident people said get on this list to see this doctor his wait is 3 years! And my mom said no way we will not be dealing with this that long, well I guess we should have got on that list?
I am looking for a back brace right now, as my back problems are the worst and my back feels very unstable but I cant really find anything other than a TLSO brace!

That right there is a official pain scale with the higher the number the worse the pain, RSD/CRPS is the highest on the list, which I believed scored a 48.3!