Is There Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

I don't know if I will ever find out, I'm not sure I will make it there. I think someone built a brick wall at the end of my tunnel.
I am tired of waking up every morning for what? To feel like crap and have to fight through another bad day?
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I pass school year, I don't even care if I finish this year. I don't care what grades I get, or if I even get any. I am done trying just to be pushed right back down. There is no point to anything anymore.
Why must I be the one to suffer all this pain and yet in the end have nothing to gain?
I wish I could at least sleep at night so I don't have to lay in bed awake wanting to do anything to end the pain. What good could ever come out of this? There can not possibly be something I am going to gain from any of this.

Waters Getting Harder To Tread With These Waves Crashing Over My Head.

 I went to the movies last night, have not seen a movie in I don't know how long. I saw 21 Jump Street, it was a pretty good movie. Going made me realize more that I am not really sure if I want to even try and keep the friendship. I was friends with him before anything ever happened, and he should be more understanding by now but he isn't. If your gonna be friends than you need to understand when I say no I don't feel good it means I really don't. You shouldn't get made and b*tch about it, you should be understanding and be there for me.
Going did the opposite of what I thought it would, it made me more depressed. I thought it would be nice to see my friends plus see an old friend I have not seen in forever but I guess I was wrong, once again.
I cancelled school the other day because I didn't feel well enough to be sitting up. The next day I had aqua therapy my PT said "It's nice to see you smiling and talking, your always so quiet" So I guess missing school at least helped some because than it wasn't too much. 

I Want To Swim Away But I Dont Know How.

I am so stressed out, and tired of living this life. They expect me to be able to pass this school year and be fine to go to the next year. I don't see how I can possible finish a entire school year in just 8 weeks.
Its just stressing me out which makes me feel worse, I can't sit up doing something for that long.
I thought I had found the perfect doctors, who truly cared how I felt and cared about helping me but I am starting to second guess that now.
Even though I am doing aqua therapy I swear I am just getting weaker, shouldn't it be the other way around? I can't even do anything because I can barley walk. Not that even feel well enough to do anything. 
I feel like my friends are slipping away, I don't even really talk to them much but I am done trying to keep the friends I have left. If they are actually my friends than I shouldn't have to try to keep them around.

Were Going Nowhere...

I feel like we aren't going anywhere at all with anything. We are waiting on getting enough of the Ketamine and other drugs to do that for the RSD. The doctors still think my back injury is going to heal, which I have kinda given up on. I mean its been 7 months, and it has only gotten worse and they still say "Well your young it will heal"
I figured if it was going to heal it would of already or at least I would be getting better not worse right?
Still have no answers for everything else going on, which no one seems to care about, and doesn't even bother to look into anything else. I want answers and I want help! I don't want to lay here waiting for some miracle to happen, how am I supposed to get answers by just laying here.
Cant really walk much at all, went to a friends house and that was way too much for me, felt like passing out, and was really weak, and I was laying in her bed its not like we were doing anything.
Also went to this painting place, and I will never do that again! Couldn't even stand sitting there.
So my life consists of Aqua Therapy, Psychologist, and School. Which that right there makes me so tired and makes me feel like I am dying.
I am supposed to go to my ranch on Thursday. Part of me wants to go because I have not been in forever but the other part of me doesn't want to go at all. I don't want to drive there and I feel like once I get there what am I gonna do? I can't even do anything! And I honestly don't feel like pretending everything is okay and I am happy, and having to make it seem like I am not falling apart and dying inside.

Quotes :)

I just wanted to post some quotes that I really like because they fit me.

It's getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I'm smiling, but on the inside I'm smiling.

Sometimes it hurts worse to smile in front of everyone, then to cry by yourself. 

 You look at me and think 'she's so happy' but theres so much behind this little smile that you'll never know.

 It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.

  

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

 I know God won't give me anything I can't handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much! 

 It's amazing how people tell you that they'll always be there for you when you need them, but when you do need them most they are no where to be found. Then when they need someone you're always there

 Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happy. 

 I wish you could comfort me and tell me everything's OK but the truth is if you knew my pain, you wouldn't know what to say. 

You can never fully understand what someone is going through, unless it has happened to you.

"I feel sometimes that nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It's like I say 'Oh, I'm fine,' and I walk away. Nobody's ever said 'No, you're not.'"

"If you don’t understand my silence, you won’t understand my words." 

 “You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, then you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself…everything is.”

It is getting harder and harder to pretend everything is fine.

I saw my friends today, we didn't really do anything, just lay on her bed. Just from walking to and from the car was hard. I felt so tired and weak, and in pain. I didn't talk much, I just didn't feel like it. I am so tired and I am hurting.
My foot has been going numb, because my back injury is getting worse and I guess its pinching nerves. So we have to figure what to do about that. My doctor also agreed to continue Ketamine, but due to the drug shortage we don't know when.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on, I am slipping, and barley hanging on. It's getting harder to fake a smile, and pretend everything is alright. I don't even feel like talking most of the time. My friend even called me the other night and I said like 3 words, and than tonight I just didn't wanna talk much.
I am extremely tired, and I have Aqua Therapy tomorrow so I am off to bed! Good Night! :) 

It's never the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it's the smile we fake.

Not doing too great, I started my school back up, and it has not been easy thats for sure. We do it for 2 hours twice a week, but than I also have homework of course. I have had a lot going on, with Aqua Therapy 3 times a week, school twice a week, pyschologist once a week, and than whatever other doctors appointments! I also have the TAKS test on thursday, I dont know how that will go since I havent been in school so I havent learned really anything this year!
Aqua Therapy has been going okay, it is painful and hard though. I like it though, I can do things I wouldnt be able to do on land, and my physical therapist is really nice. They also ask you how you are feeling, and how your pain is everyday, and how your doing with the PT. Which is a nice change from "You arent aloud to talk about the pain or anything" Which I think may be good for some people maybe but with me I dont only have RSD, so they need to know what things are bothering me so they can make sure I am not injuring something. In some of the things we do my knee cap has been subluxing, which is a bummer because we thought being in water would make it where my joints wouldnt come out.
My back was really hurting me yesterday after PT, and it wasnt normal RSD pain it was the pain from my back injury. I had moved weird in the shower and I felt the pop and it helped my back! So I guess that means something was dislocated, or partially out. It still hurt but it relieved some of the pain, which was good.
I didnt sleep much last night, it took me a while to fall asleep and than I woke up at about 3:30 or around there and never went back to bed.

Another update.

I saw this other doctor that my team wanted me to see. Well my ankle was shifted in the wrong place he popped it back which made it easier to stand. Than from riding horses in September where I injured my back, well my hip, pelvis and some other things were shifted too he tried to help that some but we couldn't do much without fear of dislocating something. (Due to my EDS)
I started Aquatic Therapy Yesterday, it went good, but I was having tremors and muscle spasms after, and was very tired. My doctor had said Aqua Therapy would be good for me cause it's easier on the joints so I don't dislocate them. Well guess what my knee cap kept sliding! It finally popped out some but went back in, so it subluxed and after that it was fine. Than we had to go to my school to get some books and work, because there starting my school again. So I met my teacher and she stayed from 6pm-8pm. I kinda had trouble doing all that and my pain was up and I was so tired after.
I got to Aqua Therapy today too, I leave in about an hour. Wish me luck! :)