Not Doing To Well :(

I am really not feeling well lately. I have just been all over not feeling good with pain, weakness, and everything else! Still figuring out school I think my mom is going up to my public school tomorrow and enrolling me, and than is going to give them the forms my doctor filled out saying I need to be on the Hospital/Homebound program. That way they will have to figure out something for me, as right now they are putting us off and giving us the run around, but once I am enrolled they are going to have to figure something out fast or I will be absent!
Today I saw a new psychologist I really liked her! She is really nice, and seems very understanding. Thursday is the big day, I will be meeting with the new doctor. I am praying that he will have some answers and advice. It seems as though this will be a very good appointment so I am hoping I am right!
That is all I am going to write for now as my brain feels like it is swelling, and my pain is high, so I am going to get off my computer for now.

My whole world is crashing around me.

Maybe if i weren't so good at faking that I'm okay, someone would see through it and know that I'm not.
I wish some people could read my mind and know how I really feel on the inside rather than seeing my lies on the outside...
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?

I really wonder if anyone would notice if I quit faking it? I think about trying it but somehow I always still fake it even when I don't want to.

Do you think its easy being me? Do you think its easy putting on the act that I do everyday? I smile when all I want to do is cry... I laugh when all I want to do is die.. I want to tell everyone how my world falls apart each night when I am laying in bed with tears in my eyes, pleading with god to help me. I want to let everyone know what it is like to be me, pretending to be happy...

I don't want to pretend I'm alright any longer but I have done it so long it just come natural. Maybe someday I can break these walls down and take the smile off my face.
No one ever taught me what to do when my whole world is falling apart around me. So what am I supposed to do?
I don't know what to do anymore I'm failing apart and no one notices. I'm dying and no one cares to help. I'm breaking and no one tries to put me back together.

Victory Junction Gang Camp.

My mom came across this camp called Victory Junction it is in North Carolina, and it is for kids with severe chronic and life threatening illnesses.
It looks really cool, I am going to look more into to it and see if its something I may wanna do. The camp itself is free, but for me I would have to pay to get there since I live in Texas.
I am going to look around and see if there is something like this but closer to me.

My mom had been emailing this doctor that agreed to see me and I have a appointment with him on February 2nd so that is exciting. Hopefully he will have some ideas, and answers for us! :)
I am also going to be getting a new psychologist since the one I am currently seeing isn't working out the best for me.

I have not been doing much lately, mostly just laying in my new recliner! My parents decided to buy a recliner so I could be more comfortable. It is comfy and I really like it.
I have not been able to sleep at all lately, and last night was the worst! A big storm moved in so my pain was high and couldn't sleep, and than my dog was scared so he came in and got in my bed. I did not mind him being there I was surprised he just laid down and didn't bother me at all!

Behind My Smile Is Everything You Will Never Understand....

I really think I am just gonna drop out of school. I never thought I would ever say that, I was supposed to go to college, I was supposed to have a future, but now thats all gone.
There is no way I can get good grades this year since I have no grades from the first semester. I tried so hard to get the grades I needed to get into college and make my dreams come true, only to have everything ripped apart.
Every choice I have ever made was because I new my choices could effect my future. I hate to say it but I am going to end up exactly like my brother, I should have seen it coming, were so similar. The only thing different is I thought I had a future so I made choices differently, I turned down a lot of things because I didnt want it to screw up everything.

Its getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.
No one knows everything that hides behind the mask I wear everyday. I wish people knew, but no one would understand. No one would ever think of me the same again.

Where To Begin!

I still have the abdominal pain, which I have no idea what it is!
I went to Mr. Gatti's Pizza yesterday with my mom, sister, and Stefan. That is when I realized how weak my legs really are. I had to step up onto this thing that was equivalent to stepping up two stairs, and yeah my legs are very weak!
Today I managed to bump my knee on a table, because somehow I always seem to not realize I am walking straight into things. Now that leg is pretty sensitive, and my ribs have been killing me today. My neck feels weak too, or I guess that's how I would describe it. It feels like I need to hold my head up and it hurts, or like a bowling ball is sitting on top of a twig!
Tomorrow I have a appointment with the psychologist I am ready to go.....

There is this new song out by Brad Paisley its called Hard Life. It was written by a friend of his with a disability, the song fits anyone who has any form of disability or illness. I really like it, so I thought I would share.

R.I.P Karson Reed Kelley

I did not know Karson personally, but she was a friend of someone I used to be pretty good friends with.
On January 13th she posted on Facebook, "If dying is our way out; than count me in, I'm coming"
If anyone of my Facebook friends posted this I would have immediately called them or sent them a message on Facebook if I didn't have there number. Instead 7 people liked this, they didn't ask if she was okay. That night she OD'ed, she committed suicide.
It was especially sad because now reading her Facebook wall after her death, you should have seen how many people posted. They should have asked her if she was okay, after reading some of her posts.
Now people realized they should have called, it was obvious she was sad.

Even though I did now know you Karson, I still feel for you, I have felt like you did. I wish I would have gotten the chance to meet you, but maybe when I go to heaven I will get that chance.
R.I.P Karson Reed Kelley
You will be greatly missed. I hope you are happy and I know your in a better place :)

Hospital :(

So yesterday I started having abdominal pain on my right side, and it hurt to move around, and walk. So we thought maybe appendicitis, I went to the ER. They did a urine analaysis, blood tests, and a pelvic ultrasound. They said the ultrasound was normal, but my white blood cell count was high, so it was best to get a CT scan. They brought me that gross stuff to drink that would line my intestines and stuff, so I drank that over a course of two hours. I was than taken to CT, and they put some other contrast stuff into my IV. Which made me feel extremely hot, and sick! I did not like the feeling, it was really weird! Than after that I had to wait for them to get the results and read it. They finally got them, and the doctor said they seemed normal! What the hell is wrong than!? They said they have no clue what is going on so I should just wait to see if I get worse, and if I do than to come back immediatly.
I am still watching it, as it could still be appendicitis and it was just too early to tell. I was there for like 10 hours! It sucked big time, and I woke up today at like around 12pm and that was the first time I ate anything since 11am the day before!
Hoping all of this just blows over, and I can just go back to dealing with everything else wrong!

RSD In Children.

I came across this video on YouTube. It is about RSD In Children, it is interviews done of the kids and than the parents. It is an hour long but worth watching.
I could really relate to what the kids were saying.

Am I Dying?

Am I cause I sure feel like? It is one of those days where I feel like it is impossible to go on, but in the end I know I will make it through, I always do somehow. I know god is with me, and he is guiding me through this.
I wanted to share something with everyone. It was written by a RSD friend, I really liked it and she said I was welcome to share it so here it is!


Have you ever made plans and at the last minute got sick, and had to cancel?  Have you ever had to go through with those plans feeling like garbage and wishing you were just home relaxing?  We all have, we can't gauge when we are getting sick, or an accident is going to happen. But we make the most of it don't we. We go throw on a smile and try to have the best time possible without showing how we truly feel. We don't want to ruin everyone else's great time just because we are feeling bad.
Now imagine that happening on a daily basis. When you live with chronic pain like RSD, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, or any other disease that causes chronic pain, you don't know how you're going to feel day to day, and that makes it really hard to plan anything, but we still do our best in the hopes that we can fulfill these plans and not let down any of our friends or loved ones. We throw on the fake smile, and do our best to get dressed for the occasion, which takes a lot longer than it does when you're not in pain.  If you're a female for instance, you have to put on your make up and do your hair.  The makeup is hard enough if you're shaking and can't keep your hands steady. Then there is the hair, which when you can't raise your arms very high because of pain makes it really hard to get it the way you want it, then it's time to get dressed, which when your skin feels like it is 300% more sensitive than before we got diagnosed. Pulling on the socks, the pants, even putting on a shirt feels like sandpaper being dragged over your skin, and with every inch it feels like its cutting and shredding your skin deeper and deeper and that's just putting on the clothes, not to mention having to have them rub against your skin all day or night. By the time you get ready all you want to do is lay down and cry because it hurts so much, but you still have to get up and go to the function, and try and have a good time, which is really hard to do when you are already in so much pain and already in a pissy mood before you even leave the house. That's what makes it so hard to plan anything, and the reason we have to cancel so much. I have found personally that whenever I plan something in advance, by the time the day gets here I have put so much stress on myself about being able to go through with the plans and the stress of possibly letting people down, that I end up being in so much pain that I can't go through with it. Don't get me wrong we do go through with a lot of plans still, knowing full well that we are going to be in more pain. But it's like we have to pick the plans or events we want to go to, whereas before we could go to all these events and maybe be a little tired after. We still go to the big events, weddings, funerals, family functions, and the likes, and then we take days if not a week or more to recover. This is only if the event is in your town or close by. If we have to drive anywhere far, or take any form of transportation for a long period of time, that's enough to make us not want to go. Personally I can't stand more then 15-20 mins in a car, the vibrations, the bumps on the road, the seatbelt, and if the windows are down or there is air conditioning on we have to deal with the breeze, all which causes me intense pain.

These are only some of the problems we have with making plans, it's not that we don't want to go through with these plans, its sometimes the smaller plans are not really worth all the pain, so we opt out for the next time we will be ready for the next event that comes along. This is day to day life with chronic pain, and these events can be as simple as having someone over for a visit or something as big as going out for the day with family and friends. It can be torturous and we have to do this every day, we have to make sacrifices for the betterment of ourselves and the betterment of our family. It's just not the people in chronic pain that suffer, its family, friends, caretakers, and anyone else that are close to us. Not only do our plans change day to day, these people close to us have their plans changed to, which makes us feel about as low as dirt. Honestly taking joy from someone that is close to us, because we cannot do the things we said we would, or the things we used to be able to do. My hat is off to any and all people that help or live with someone with chronic pain. You have my upmost respect!!  It's not easy and your support does not go unnoticed. When you have a chronic disease, you have to live day by day, or you will drive yourself crazy, I know this isn't easy, but with time and a little patience you can start living day to day, and hopefully causing you less pain and anxiety. It's time to be spontaneous!! Do what you can when you can do it. Plan less and live more. You won't let your loved ones down, and you won't let yourself down. Doesn't mean you have to totally stop planning. There is still a life to live and there are still big events to go to, like a wedding, but for the little everyday plans, try and cut back on them and you will see it does get easier. Day to day, unfortunately we have to live like this, but that doesn't mean we have to stop living. We just have to adjust.  Change is hard but you may just save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and in turn wear a real smile more often, and keep that fake one tucked away for when we need it.