Am I Dying?

Am I cause I sure feel like? It is one of those days where I feel like it is impossible to go on, but in the end I know I will make it through, I always do somehow. I know god is with me, and he is guiding me through this.
I wanted to share something with everyone. It was written by a RSD friend, I really liked it and she said I was welcome to share it so here it is!


Have you ever made plans and at the last minute got sick, and had to cancel?  Have you ever had to go through with those plans feeling like garbage and wishing you were just home relaxing?  We all have, we can't gauge when we are getting sick, or an accident is going to happen. But we make the most of it don't we. We go throw on a smile and try to have the best time possible without showing how we truly feel. We don't want to ruin everyone else's great time just because we are feeling bad.
Now imagine that happening on a daily basis. When you live with chronic pain like RSD, Fibromyalgia, Multiple Sclerosis, or any other disease that causes chronic pain, you don't know how you're going to feel day to day, and that makes it really hard to plan anything, but we still do our best in the hopes that we can fulfill these plans and not let down any of our friends or loved ones. We throw on the fake smile, and do our best to get dressed for the occasion, which takes a lot longer than it does when you're not in pain.  If you're a female for instance, you have to put on your make up and do your hair.  The makeup is hard enough if you're shaking and can't keep your hands steady. Then there is the hair, which when you can't raise your arms very high because of pain makes it really hard to get it the way you want it, then it's time to get dressed, which when your skin feels like it is 300% more sensitive than before we got diagnosed. Pulling on the socks, the pants, even putting on a shirt feels like sandpaper being dragged over your skin, and with every inch it feels like its cutting and shredding your skin deeper and deeper and that's just putting on the clothes, not to mention having to have them rub against your skin all day or night. By the time you get ready all you want to do is lay down and cry because it hurts so much, but you still have to get up and go to the function, and try and have a good time, which is really hard to do when you are already in so much pain and already in a pissy mood before you even leave the house. That's what makes it so hard to plan anything, and the reason we have to cancel so much. I have found personally that whenever I plan something in advance, by the time the day gets here I have put so much stress on myself about being able to go through with the plans and the stress of possibly letting people down, that I end up being in so much pain that I can't go through with it. Don't get me wrong we do go through with a lot of plans still, knowing full well that we are going to be in more pain. But it's like we have to pick the plans or events we want to go to, whereas before we could go to all these events and maybe be a little tired after. We still go to the big events, weddings, funerals, family functions, and the likes, and then we take days if not a week or more to recover. This is only if the event is in your town or close by. If we have to drive anywhere far, or take any form of transportation for a long period of time, that's enough to make us not want to go. Personally I can't stand more then 15-20 mins in a car, the vibrations, the bumps on the road, the seatbelt, and if the windows are down or there is air conditioning on we have to deal with the breeze, all which causes me intense pain.

These are only some of the problems we have with making plans, it's not that we don't want to go through with these plans, its sometimes the smaller plans are not really worth all the pain, so we opt out for the next time we will be ready for the next event that comes along. This is day to day life with chronic pain, and these events can be as simple as having someone over for a visit or something as big as going out for the day with family and friends. It can be torturous and we have to do this every day, we have to make sacrifices for the betterment of ourselves and the betterment of our family. It's just not the people in chronic pain that suffer, its family, friends, caretakers, and anyone else that are close to us. Not only do our plans change day to day, these people close to us have their plans changed to, which makes us feel about as low as dirt. Honestly taking joy from someone that is close to us, because we cannot do the things we said we would, or the things we used to be able to do. My hat is off to any and all people that help or live with someone with chronic pain. You have my upmost respect!!  It's not easy and your support does not go unnoticed. When you have a chronic disease, you have to live day by day, or you will drive yourself crazy, I know this isn't easy, but with time and a little patience you can start living day to day, and hopefully causing you less pain and anxiety. It's time to be spontaneous!! Do what you can when you can do it. Plan less and live more. You won't let your loved ones down, and you won't let yourself down. Doesn't mean you have to totally stop planning. There is still a life to live and there are still big events to go to, like a wedding, but for the little everyday plans, try and cut back on them and you will see it does get easier. Day to day, unfortunately we have to live like this, but that doesn't mean we have to stop living. We just have to adjust.  Change is hard but you may just save yourself a lot of pain and heartache and in turn wear a real smile more often, and keep that fake one tucked away for when we need it.