Good News! :)

I went to see Dr. Bacon today, it was my first appointment with him, and I am very impressed! This is the best appointment I have had in a very long time. I feel like I am actually getting somewhere. I new it was going to be a good appointment before even seeing the doctor. The nurse was so kind, and it seemed like she actually understood and was very knowledgeable. For instance, when my mom was saying that other doctors kept making me go to psychologist after psychologist, because they thought depression and anxiety was causing my pain, even though all the psychologists kept saying no they did not believe that. The nurses reply was that's wrong the pain causes depression and anxiety. I knew right than she understood! Finally someone that doesn't deal with this actually understands!
My mom said she thought she was going to cry, because someone was actually listening, and he actually examined me! Not like every other doctor who never even touched me or anything!
The exam was very painful, I thought I was gonna scream, I could barley contain myself. My mom was even tensing up and looking away. He actually listened to what I had to say, and how it felt. He also tested me for fibromyalgia and said I had 8 or 9 of the trigger points out of 18, so I didn't have FM. 
He prescribed oral Ketamine, and some other things. He also said to get a check up with my cardiologist, and also to have a 24 hour EKG (I think maybe it was 12 hr?). He also said he thinks we should do the outpatient Ketamine infusions. He said he follows Dr. S's protocol and talks with him, so that is good. If the outpatient one helps than I guess we will look into getting the higher dose inpatient one, now that we have someone we know can do the boosters!
Although we originally said there was no way we would do the Ketamine outside of a hospital, Dr. Bacon made us feel comfortable about it. I will have monitors on and everything. I will have a nurse there the whole time, and they have not had anything serious ever happen, and plus knowing he is close with Dr. S helped!
So I hope we can get this sometime soon! And hope I can get in to see the cardiologist soon, so I can get the Ketamine set up! I also have a appointment Friday with a new Rheumotologist, so lets hope that goes well too.

Doctors Appointment Tomorrow. Maybe New Beginning???

Still have not had improvement pain wise, it is still really bad! Finally have a doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr. Bacon! It is my first appointment with him and I am super excited! I feel like this could be a new beginning, maybe I will finally get some answers and help. His name has come up a few times, here and there, and has been recommended a few times. He has been recommended to me by Maria before, she sees him personally. When I told her a got in to see him she said I will probably get more answers from him than I have in a long time. I am hoping I will! Not sure what time my appointment is, but I will have a update sometime after it.

I have a new way of describing what is going on with me. It is like little demons are attacking your body, with torch's and pitch forks. Too bad I can not tell a doctor that, or I will end up in a mental hospital, but it is a good way to describe it to others when they dont listen to anything else you say!
I came across this blog the other day that describes RSD too well, and is great when you need a laugh! I love it and had to share!
http://rsdiary.wordpress.com/

Enjoy looking around the blog, and enjoy the laughs!

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Happy thanksgiving to everyone.
I really did not want to go to my grandmas for thanksgiving today, because I do not feel good, but I dragged myself anyways! Didnt really eat, than come home and eat a little, and than had the worst cramps, and do not feel good! :(
Ive been getting this way for a little while but not every time after I eat, it kinda comes and goes! Which I can not figure out why! I havent said anything about it yet, but I guess I will have to now.
Pain is still the same as it has been! Errr!
Do not feel like typing anymore, so this will be my very short update, maybe I will post later.

Wild Horses I Wanna Be Like You!

This song is my song right now. It is a amazing song and fits me so perfectly. Horses are the only things that keep me going, and give me a reason to live. I can not ride right now, which kills me, but I still know I will ride again and that is enough to keep me going.
Right now things are hard, but I still have hope, and I still believe!

Right now my feet are ice cold, my body is in flames, and I am being stabbed over and over. I am in agony, my neck and legs are so weak. My neck cant support me head, and my legs can not support my body. On top of that I have a headache! And we are having thanksgiving with my moms family today at my house, and tomorrow for my dads side at my grandmas! Not looking forward to any of this at all.
My brother has been here all day along with his girlfriend and dog, which they annoy me sometimes.
I am going to be getting Sims 3 Pets, which was recommended to me by someone who's daughter has RSD, and also rides horses. Me and her daughter are so similar that it is kinda scary! She said her daughter plays this game, and in the game she is able to be with her horses, and ride. So I hope I can live my life through the game while I can not actually live it at the moment! I am hoping it doesn't just depress me more, and make me wish I could ride, and be with horses!

Six Feet From The Edge.

Yes my title is yet again part of a song. It is from the song One Last Breathe by Creed.
I feel like I am "Six feet from the edge, and I am thinking six feet aint so far down"
I am lost in this world of pain, and I can not take it anymore. Why cant anyone see I am dying inside, they cant hear my screams, but it doesn't mean I am not screaming. I want help, I need help, and fast. I want someone to understand me, and than maybe they will realize how far from "fine" and "okay" I am. I especially want a doctor to not just look at the outside, but see the inside, and realize that I am not okay, that I am dying inside. I may look fine on the outside but inside I am being torn to pieces. If anyone took the chance to really look into my eyes maybe they would see that? Maybe then I could get the help I need.
Why is it so hard to find someone to help? Is it the same for everyone or is it my age?
Yesterday someone with RSD I know posted a picture at the ER, of course I asked why she was there. She replied saying the pain was too much so she went it. I asked her what they did, she said they give her IV pain medication.
Why dont they ever help me? Just because I am not a adult doesnt mean I dont deserve the same care a adult gets! Is it cause I am young? Or is it just the hospitals in my area do not care? Or is it cause I dont show the pain as much as a adult would?
I should not have to fight and try so hard to get help, they are there to help right? Why don't they!?
I really do think it is our dumb hospitals though, because I know other people my age with the same issues and their hospitals help them, but when I go they either write me off as drug seeking, over exaggerating, or simply do not care. It makes me wonder if it came down to a life or death situation if anyone would help me, or if they would just let me die? 

Owww why do I have to suffer like this! :(

My body is in flames, while I am being stabbed to death, it is hell! Cant write much but wanted to write a little something. I just watched the Ketamine Coma interview my news station did, it sucked it was like 40 seconds long! They barley said anything! At least they said the name of the disease, but if you blinked you missed the them saying it.
I tried to get sleep today but too much pain to get to sleep and was not even slightly comfortable no matter what! Took a shower earlier but it was too painful, and I did have enough energy to wash my hair and was not even going to try to shave my legs with the pain! So it was a very quick shower. Dont have the energy and am in too much pain to write more, but will try to tomorrow.

Nobody hears me, I suffer the silence.

I have reached the end, this is it, I can not take it anymore and I will not take it anymore. If they do not do something now, I will do something my self, anything to make this go away. I will not deal with this any longer. I am done. I am done fighting, I am done suffering all alone in this world.
I can no longer handle this life, I need help and I need it now. I am not going to wait for someone to do something, if they fail to believe how bad I am and wont do something now, than I will find a way to make it go away.

Update.....

Lets see well Friday I did end up going to Rockport, Texas to my grandpas house. It is a 2-3 hour drive, and it was not pleasant. Than after that drive, that night I felt horrible! I also woke up with this very sharp stabbing pain under my arm and any movement made it worse, I put pressure on the area and held it, I fell back asleep like that and woke up and it was fine.
On Saturday I went to the store, and had a turkey dinner for thanksgiving. Today, Sunday, I went to my friends for another thanksgiving dinner! I really did not want to go at all, and I didnt feel good and just wanted to lay down and die! But of course I went, because she is leaving tomorrow morning at 5 for New York and I havent really seen her in a while.
The whole time all I could think about was going home, I just wanted to leave and go to bed. I stayed for what seemed like forever though! Now I am finally going to bed, just took my medicine and hoping I can get some sleep.

Err, Ugh, Ahh! ;(

Well the PM that I was seeing, the one I am leaving, well I called her because that was really the only thing I could at least try. She took my off LDN so I can now take narcotics. Than she phoned in Tramadol/APAP 325, said take 2 every 6 hours. It is not working at all, I thought it would at least make me tired and hopefully get my some rest, but nope it has not even phased me!
Today I have just been laying on the couch, trying not to scream and cry! And I have to do a 24 hour urine test, which I have been needing to do for a while, so I am doing it today.
I am supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon to my Grandpas in Rockport, Texas. I am fine with going, since I wont be doing much, I can just sit around the house or whatever, but it is a 3 hour drive, which I am not looking forward to. So I am excited about going because I have not been up there in forever, and also I might get to see breaking dawn there when it comes out, if there showing it and it wont be all crowded, and I can probably lay down. lol but than again I dont want to be miserable the whole way and than the whole time to!
I just dont know what to do anymore, it is killing me!
Not sure if my mom got homebound set back up, but I am glad I am at least not having to do school right now! But than again I will have to catch up and will have a lot to do probably.
Well that is all for this post, but I also wanted to share a song, I do not believe I have shared yet, and I love it!
It is called Hero Of War by Rise Against!

Barley hanging on.........

Im hanging on, but barley. I do not think I can deal with this much longer, I sure as hell do not want to!
A RSDer in a group I belong to posted this something like what I am about to post below, so I decided to do my own.

I am tired of constant pain that would send others to the ER
I am tired of being in bed all the time
I am tired of not being able to go to school
I am tired of not being able to enjoy time with friends
I am tired of the horrible symptoms
I am tired of people telling me I dont look sick
I am tired of people thinking I am okay
I am tired of no one understanding
I am tired of ignorant doctors
I am tired of fighting to be normal
I am tired of not being able to live my life
I am tired of "friends" not being there for me
I am tired of feeling alone
I am tired of being sick

Again I did not really come up with this idea I took it from someone in a RSD group, but I changed it into things I am tired of, instead of things he put he was "sick of" So credit for the idea goes to him! 

Pain, pain go away, dont come back another day!

It is raining, and storming here is Texas, and my RSD is not happy with that! Still feel pretty much the same as yesterday, with some added pain in my left leg.
Did not want to even get out of bed today, but I did, but I am now back in bed only got up for 5 or 10 minutes before coming back.
Ready for this to all end, and ready to have my life back!
I am going back on Hospital/Homebound school program. I left Connections Academy the online school, I was way to far behind, and it was too hard.
The only bad thing now is my mom emailed me old homebound teacher, and she said they changed homebound, and now she is only aloud to teach the special education kids! Now the "regular" homebound kids will have a teacher from the school? So like a teacher from Johnson comes I guess, maybe during their off periods. I have no idea, how it will work, but this I still believe is the best option for me.

That is all I am going to write for right now, maybe I will write more later! But here is a song I would like to share with you guys.

I feel horrible, tried to sleep today but couldnt!

Owwww! Everything just hurts. My leg feels like it is being ripped into pieces, and the air just came on, and my leg just flipped out. My ribs and back feel like someone is stabbing me with knifes while I am on fire! It just hurts so flippin bad, I can not take this anymore!
I tried to listen to some music and sleep today, but no luck. I need to be put out of my misery now, I need this nightmare to end!
And to top it off my hands keep twitching while I am typing making this hard to write! I probably look like a freak doing it too, my muscles keep like tightening up, which causes twitching, and makes me like mess around with my hands in the middle of typing. Good thing I am alone in bed though, so no one is here to see it anyway ;)
Neil at least put a smile on my face, he said when I cant be he will be strong for me, and that he wishes he could be here laying with me, and he could whisper in my ear that everything will be okay:) He always knows what to say to make smile during the hardest of times.

I wanted to ask you guys to pray for my friend Nina, she has been going through a lot, she found out the other day on top of everything else, she has a blood clot on her heart due to her port! She needs yours prayers, it is a very difficult time for her as she is fighting for her life, and having to hear the doctors say they dont know what else to do. She has god by her side, and I have a feeling everything will be okay, and yet again she will make it out. Please keep her in your prayers.

Ouch! I feel like I am slowling dying!

I woke up this morning, with my pain unbearable in my ribs and back, and it has stayed that way. It is horrible, I can not take it! It hurts so bad to breath, and my bra is hurting me so bad.
I dont know what to do, I asked on Yahoo Answers if anyone had any suggestions, and everyone just said either call a ambulance or go to the ER.
I wish I had a doctor to call, to see what they would suggest, but I dont have a doctor right now! I am in the process of getting a new one, as no one knows what to do, or their too ignorant. I dont have a appointment with Dr. Bacon until after thanksgiving.
Someone should message me on facebook with ideas on what to do!

Ugh, and Err is all I can say.

Where to start? Not too much "new" things going on really. Although I have been having some pains in my chest, which I have had before, it just not the same as I get most of the time, although have before. I get it at night when I am laying down. It is a really bad deep pain in my left side of my chest, into my shoulder, and down to my left arm. I try to move to my side usually and just pray it doesnt last long. I have also been having those fluttering feelings in my chest, and like a sinking feeling, it comes at random. Like yesterday night at my uncles I was standing there eating, yes standing, which is maybe why! I was probably up to long, but anyways it was randomly happening than! I have had this in the past so it isnt really new.
Pain of course has been bad, and I have been having some issues with my left ankle. I keep getting this sharp pain where I can not walk on it, or put any pressure, it may be my ankle coming out not sure.
I got a appointment with Dr. Bacon for the end of this month! I really can not wait, an RSD friend of mine had recommended him before, so I told her the other day I got a appointment. Me and her were talking about it, and she was saying he is close with Dr. S, and how he is always looking for new ways he can help us, and how knowledgeable he is. I had made the comment "I feel like I am taking 2 steps forward by seeing him" She had replied that she really thinks with him we will get more answers than we have in a really long time! So I am hoping this appointment may turn things around, and I may start going forward.
School of course has just been horrible! I have such bad grades, and am so far behind. My psychologist said that it may be better to go back on hospital/homebound. Which I was glad she saw it the way I did! I do believe it will help me out, having someone there to help me, and its not as much work! Which will be a big relief, and this will relieve tons of stress. 

I never got around to posting on here on veterans day, but I did want to say I thank my cousins husband Jeff for fighting for us, and I am glad he is home safe right now, and I pray god continues to walk beside him and helps him through his problems, and when he returns to fight walks by him while he fights and brings him home safe. Thank you to all the men and women who serve in our military, and are fighting for our freedom, god bless them all.
And for Graham Harris my brothers best friend, someone very close to our family. We will never forgot you, and we love you. I cant imagine what you must of been going through, and must of seen, to make you shoot yourself. Graham was on duty in Afghanistan, when he shot himself in a tower that was said to be under attack. I do not know why he did it, maybe he was in a situation where he new he was going to die, and was not going to let the enemy have the pleasure of killing him so instead he did it himself. The war made him do this, that is all I know, and he died a hero, he fought for us, and thats all that matters.
Here is a video I made in honor of him.

Update, bad and a little good news!

Well Friday I left for my ranch, for opening weekend here in Texas. I really did not want to go, even before leaving I kept telling myself I didn't want to go, and on the way there I was like "I should of just stayed home" and I continued to think that the whole time there, especially the first night, I guess the car ride really got to me! Well my last day there, Sunday, at about 7:30 I got the first buck of the season! Its a small 10 pointer, but still the first buck of the season! So thats the good news.
Well the last few days have been bad, on top of everything I am sick, with like bronchitis or pneumonia, not sure what. I have been feeling really bad, today I forced myself to go eat dinner with friends like I try to do every once in a while, because I cant loose the only 2 friends I have left.
Than my dad goes to say if I feel good enough to go with friends, I should be able to finish my school work. I understand where hes coming from, but I dont feel good enough to go, I just cant loose my friends and make myself more depressed, I just cant!
I hate that they had to bring up the fact that I am going to pretty much be behind this whole year and probably wont even pass. Well yeah I know, but I try not to think about that because, than it just makes me think that I honestly have no reason to live. Really, I don't, if I fail than I don't go to college, and I wont have a job or good life at all, and plus to add that medically I probably wont be able to do what I want in life anyway and with no school than yeah my dreams are crushed, bye bye life.

Another Update!

So lets see still paying for Halloween night of course! And today I had a doctors appointment with the PM, who I dont really like. Today she just pissed me off, and said some things that really just got me! She says, my son had heart surgery, and he ran a 5k yesterday and he is getting good grades in school, and if he can than so can you, you can not use pain as a excuse to that. Really right there I wanted to say "You know what, that is not even a logical statement, my problems are completely different than his, and that just really just plan rude and I am offended"
I told a RSD friend what she said, and she said "My daughter who is blind just ran a marathon, it doesnt mean I can!" Exactly she tried to compare two completely different things, and what really ticked me off is she knows nothing about me, or my medical issues or how I feel! And she doesnt even think I have RSD, which I know I do, and she said I dont have the main symptoms, ummm the main symptom is sensitivity to touch and major pain. Last time I checked I have that, which she wouldnt know because she never asked or even checked! 
Than she says that if I ate better, and didnt drink soda we would see a major change in things! Really wow, I never knew the reason I was in so much agony was because I drink soda, and dont eat 100% healthy, wow problem solved I better tell everyone there problems will go away if you eat and drink better amazing! Like really dont even try to say that to me, if my mom wouldnt have been there I would of said bullshit!

After today's appointment, and all the stress of just hearing her say hurtful things the whole time, I am in agony! I feel horrible, I didnt even feel like eating dinner I was in too much pain!
As many of you know its RSD awareness month, so I have been posting stuff about RSD on Facebook. Well my "Best Friend" Posted the yesterday, I hate when people fill up my news feed with there life problems, and all that, I dont want to read all that crap. I know that was probably aimed towards me, and that hurt knowing he could care less about what I deal with on a daily basis. Why cant anyone understand! I feel so alone, I have people who understand online, because they deal with what I do, but no one thats actually here with me that understands! Yesterday I asked my mom to get me something and my aunt taps me on the leg (Which why cant people get how bad that hurts me!) and than said "You have two legs, and your young you can get it yourself!" No one knows how bad that hurt to hear that, especially when I was already really upset. Right before she said that I had found out about something that really upset me.
My brothers best friend, Graham, was killed in Afghanistan, in 2007 at the age of 19. It was said while he was on duty, the tower he was at, where they found him dead in was under attack, so they figured he was shot and died. Yesterday his mom posted, that as part of her healing process it was time to let people know that, the night he was on duty and died in the tower, he had committed suicide. I can not imagine what he must have seen and gone through over there to make him desperately want a way out of that place, which led him to make the choice of killing himself. I was young when in happened, but I remember him, and I remember the day my brother and parents went to the funeral. My brother still to this day says that was the worst of his life, and it will always be. Graham, you will always be in our hearts, and greatly missed. R.I.P Graham Harris.
So after hearing that and than my aunt saying what she did, and than now today the doctors appointment, it is just really hitting me hard.
Right now I can barley breathe, with the agonizing pain, and keep having to hold my breath.
I am going to try and make a tribute video for Graham, for veterans day, and I will post it on here, and facebook!

Cant Escape Even When Asleep!? What!?

I need some help guys, does anyone else have dreams revolving around whats going on? 

Like we used to tell doctors the only time I can escape this horrible disease is when I am knocked out, but lately I have realized my dreams revolve around pain or other symptoms! Like I will dream I am trapped in a fire burning to death, or being shot, or in a car accident or other things. 

Well lately I have been having trouble breathing and it hurts to breath, and last night in my dream I was really dizzy, and it was like a reality dream like where its normal, your in a house and every things normal, well in that dream I was dizzy and feeling like passing out, than all of a sudden the next thing I remember is I cant breathe and I am calling out to my mom, but I can barley speak or anything so they cant hear me, well than I kinda thing I was half awake in my dream because I was in my bed and I was having trouble breathing and I was trying to call my parents and I was in a ton of pain, but I dont know if that was real or not? And than after a really strange dream about my dog being a guinea pig, and a turtle, but not like he was changing into things but in different parts of my dreams he was something different, and I thought nothing of it, and also in that dream I was also in pain and having all this other stuff go on!  Does anyone else have dreams that relate to things going on right now?