Teach me how to dream in black and white so I can leave this world tonight.

I can't do this anymore, I don't have it in me to cope any longer. I have been strong far too long, and now I have hit rock bottom and can no longer do this. I feel worse physically so now it has made me more depressed. To top things off I am almost positive I am getting a stress fracture or two.
Nothing helps me feel better, that I can actually use, not that there actually doing anything anyway. There too busy focusing on one illness to realize that I have other problems, maybe the reason I am not getting to much relief from Ketamine is because the Ketamine is a treatment for RSD, so it is probably working for the RSD, but not working for whatever else I have going on. Maybe that's why nothing is working, but they aren't ever going to realize that.
I was looking forward to going to Georgia because than I could finally get more answers and than maybe they can try and treat everything else that's going on and we can actually make progress, but now my parents made me a appointment in San Diego for the RSD and cancelled the Georgia one!
I think it is a waste of money honestly, it is going to cost us thousands of dollars, to treat the RSD, not everything else going on! I think we should of gone to Georgia first and than see what happens. Say I do have Mitochondrial Disease or something else, than we could start treatment and see how it works. What if the Ketamine is completely getting rid of the RSD (Temporary)  since afterwards I get down to a 6, and than the number 6 pain is caused by whatever else? I don't know why they haven't considered that.
I really have nothing to look forward to, and I am not getting my hopes up on feeling better just to fuck myself up more because once again it failed. I can't take another failed treatment.
It sucks to think the one thing that I have tried that actually helped me feel better, and made me actually kinda happy, is illegal and I can't even use it. It makes me want to move, even though I love Texas, I really just want to feel better and be happy and that's not working for me here. Now I realize why so many people do whatever they can to do it, if I didn't live with my parents I could probably get away with it.

Will the current drag me down and carry me away?

Quotes/Lyrics I can relate to....

 "I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign" 

"I am a daughter hiding my depression
 I am a big sis making a good impression
 I am your friend acting like im fine
 I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
 I am the girl sitting next to you
 I am the one asking you to care
 I am your best friend hoping you'll be there"

 "It's just about now, when the tears start to fall,
i wonder if I'm gonna make it at all..
this is not about trying to go back in time,
this is not about where I'll be a year down the line,
its just moment to moment, surviving somehow..
this is not about then.. this is just about now."


"It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside."

"Teach me how to dream in black and white 
So I can leave this world tonight"

"She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story."

" Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense?  Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

 "Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by.  I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?  To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

 "I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why."

 "You know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you're sad, and it's ok to be sad?  But then there are times when you're supposed to be happy but you're sad anyway...and those times are even worse than the times when you're supposed to be sad."

Dear Agony Just Let Go Of Me

I don't know where to go from here or what to do anymore. The pain is unbearable and never ending. When will someone help me, when will I feel better? Will someone tell me when it's okay to give up and let go. I thought my best friend was finally starting to get it up until he said "in health class they said that if people with chronic illnesses got out more they would get better" maybe that can help some but seriously what the hell are the health classes teacher? That people with chronic illness are just lazy and if they weren't they would be better? That pissed me off completely, I know he meant no harm but it still hurt and it pisses me off his teacher said that! I won't see my psychologist for 2 and a half weeks. Its only been a couple days since I've been and I'm already dying. I don't know how I am gonna wait that long to go again.