Seriously I have yet to meat one person on the face of this Earth that does not have RSD/CRPS, that understands even the slightest bit, or even tries to understand. It is really getting to me lately, I can not take it anymore, I honestly feel so alone because no one gets it.
You would think at least my own parents might understand a little since you know they only lived with me my whole life so they saw me before the accident and after and how I have changed completely! But no they dont!
Like my sister hits and kicks me all the time, and to be honest it takes all I have to keep myself from punching her. I hate that they dont get a handle on her doing this, or they say "It takes two to tango" Umm well then tell me what the hell I did? Because as far as I know all I did was come down here and lay on the couch, and she hits me saying she was going to lay there! Now I know this is normal for all siblings but this is a different situation considering every time she hits me I have to suffer from the worst pain imaginable. I cant help but think how much better things would be for me if there wasnt a brat following me around all day hitting and kicking me.
And then I have to hear my mom nagging about my school and how I am so behind, blah blah blah. Yes I know I am behind you do not have to keep telling me and making me feel worse about it and making me stress out more about it. I am seriously thinking about just dropping out, I cant deal with it anymore, I hate school. Every morning I wake up dreading the day. I want a future for myself, so I really didnt want to drop out, but at this point I am going to fail anyway so why waste all of my time? Im over 20 lessons behind, not counting everything I didnt get to today! And I am already failing.
One of my friends I think kind of understands, maybe because her mom actually deals with chronic pain. But she still doesnt really get it but at least she kinda does. My other friend though does not get it no matter how hard I try and explain, I send him videos, info from the internet, and talk to him but still no luck! His mom doesnt help the situation either, she keeps saying "You should really go to Johnson so you could go to homecoming and prom with them" Well thanks for pointing out that I get to miss out on that, but sorry I wish I could go there to and get to go to homecoming and prom. Trust me I hate that I am missing the whole entire high school experience, I would love to be able to go to homecoming and prom, but no instead when my kids asked me about it, I get to say I couldnt go so I have no idea what it is like!
My parents think I would never end up like my brother, and I am the good one. Well you know what I dont know how much longer I can keep myself from taking the same path my brother did. I have come very close to smoking pot, the only thing holding me back, is I want a future, and I am afraid that I will love it because it takes me away from this awful world. I have talked to my therapist about it, and she asks all the time "Have you tried it, I know its not legal here, I am just wondering if it may help" I tell her I am afraid it will help so I have not tried it, I dont tell her how close I get to trying it. Same with alcohol, which of course I have tried, but I have never gotten drunk like my friends, which I am afraid will help me too, because I have a friend who a lot of crap is going on in her life and she goes to alcohol and it helps here? She also did self harm for a little while, which she said really helped to, and that I hate to say I have come very close to, and I am not gonna lie when me and my friends have played the Ice and Salt Challenge, I love doing it, and I always win. Why? Because at least I have control over that pain, I could stop it if I wanted and when I wanted. For a long time I also used to snap rubber bands on my arm which I still do sometimes, I also would dig my nails into my skin, or pinch myself for the same control. In all honesty this scares me, what if I do end up taking the same path as my brother? What if all this leads to more?
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