I have a appointment with my psychologist tomorrow. I think I might finally tell her how I truly feel, and everything, but Im not sure I have been saying I am going to for a while, and I never have the right moment to squeeze it in. Although I would think she kinda already knows how I am actually feeling. I mean its normal for me to be depressed, it actually seems weird I wouldnt be. But I dont think she knows how bad it gets.
Its been trying to get its way out, but I just haven't found the right moment to say it all, or I will get the moment, and I chicken out at last moment!
I have dropped a small hint, she gave me a list of feelings and asked me which ones I feel, and of course I didnt say the words that fit me perfectly, like depressed, sad, hopeless, and all that, but I did said empty, which is a way some people say depressed? And than I said well I feel nothing, Im not angry, sad, or happy, I feel nothing. Why I cant just say it I will never know!
Maybe its because growing up my mom would roll her eyes when I complained about things, or said _____ really hurts, or whatever. Like when I hurt my knee she kept rolling her eyes when I said it hurt, and it took months before she took me to the doctor and ohh guess what I have had knee problems since, and I honestly believe because it wasnt treated! Now my knee cap shows it isnt aligned properly. And I was always told to keep my feelings inside, so now I guess I physically can not express my feelings.
There are so many times I hold in my tears, sometimes I cry when I take a shower or at night because those are the only times I feel I actually can! I wish I could express my feelings, because than maybe people would realize how bad I actually feel, I wish I could complain and cry about the horrid pain I am in but I cant! And it kills me but I really just can not express how I feel.
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