Update

I haven't got around to posting a update but a lot has gone on!
We did lidocaine for about an hour, and than I don't remember this but they switched to Ketamine! So I did Ketamine for 5 days. We did it different everyday though trying different things out as I was having side effects. My mom said they did 500 mg a day sometimes, and others we lowered it to see if I reacted different. I was 100% out, unresponsive and my mom said my eyes were glassy and moving back and forth quickly. I don't remember much other than I was in a completely different world. I would wake up and not know where I was, who I was, or who anyone else was! Scary!
I would hallucinate for a long time, somedays it would continue for 5 hours! And wouldn't be able to walk for a long time! It helped my pain but of course I over did things too fast, I went to the rodeo and walked around. Now my pain is back up.
I will be starting warm water aqua therapy 3 times a week. Than my Homebound schooling is finally being set up again! They finally found a teacher and my mom has a meeting on Monday.
My doctor has also mentioned I may have a metobalic disorder, maybe Mitochondrial disease? So I guess we will be looking into that. A lot of kids with RSD happen to have this too it's weird and my mom said she was glancing through a article someone posted and came across it saying characteristic include short arms and fingers! We have always talked about how short my arms are and my hands! I can't even fit a regular size gun which for someone who is 5'8" that's not normal! So we will see who knows!

They gave me a lot of versed during the Ketamine, and they say that's kinda like the truth serum. Well guess what I talked about for 2 hours everyday while I was waking up, horses and how much I love them and want a horse! It was probably very funny! I also admitted to being depressed, which I actually kinda remember that. Don't really know what to say about that though.

Well I'm gonna end it here, I'm really tired and I hurt pretty bad. /:

This place is so empty ny thoughts are so tempting I dont know how it got so bad.

I don't know how no one can realize how broken I am, and that I need help.
I have come to realize why my brother is the way he is, I understand now. I have come so close to being like him, somehow I am able to convince myself not to go down that path, but its getting harder and harder. Life is getting harder and harder.
Its only getting harder to walk, my legs feel like jello, nerves are being pinched in my back from the injury, and my legs kill me to walk.
I cant do this anymore, I hate my life, yeah I finally admitted I am not that positive strong person everyone thinks I am.
Ive been waiting to get my school started so maybe seeing myself getting caught up, and everything will make me feel better, but at this point we have like 5 months of school left. There is no way I am gonna get caught up now.
I am going to spend my money on noise cancelling headphones so I shut this damn world out. I can than live in my own little world, and no one can piss me off. It would be nice until I have to return back to reality.

Quick Update!

First off I want to miss my cousin, my best friend, Shelby a happy birthday. Her birthday is actually tomorrow February 6th but I dont know if I will get a chance to post tomorrow.
We grew up together, we were and still are like sisters. She has been by my side through all this mess. She has always been one that understood that the pain is really bad, and real. She has seen me break bones, and have all sorts of injuries. I never cried with those injuries, and than she has seen me now after my accident.
She had a car accident a few weeks ago and we went out to eat and she said after the accident she thought of me. She said all I could think about is how my life could of been turned upside down in those few seconds, its crazy how fast everything can go wrong when you least expect it.
Tomorrow she will turn 18, its crazy how fast time flies, next year she will be going off to college! I hope somewhere close so I can still see her! Dont know what I am going to do if she chooses somewhere far, I guess we will just have to have skype dates.
Well I hope you have a really good birthday, stay safe but still have fun. Love you big cuz :)

Now for my update! I saw the new doctor on Thursday, it went as expected, which was really good! They set me up for lidocaine infusions for 5 days in a row. I will start next Monday, so wish me luck!
Than we also talked about doing Ketamine but they wanted to give the lidocaine a shot first.
He was a really nice doctor, and seemed very knowledgeable about RSD. He also is the first person to ever use this infer-ed gun looking thing to take the temp of my arms and legs. My legs were colder than my arms, which he said is usually the case with RSD.

Well I just wanted to do a quick update so there you go! I need to start trying to get some rest.
Next week I hope will be a good week have something to look forward to every day. Monday is Pretty Little Liars, Tuesday is appointment with Psychologist and Chicken Express, Wednesday is Challenge Battle Of The Exes, Thursday is Vampire Diaries, and Friday is Sweet Home Alabama! :) 

Not Doing To Well :(

I am really not feeling well lately. I have just been all over not feeling good with pain, weakness, and everything else! Still figuring out school I think my mom is going up to my public school tomorrow and enrolling me, and than is going to give them the forms my doctor filled out saying I need to be on the Hospital/Homebound program. That way they will have to figure out something for me, as right now they are putting us off and giving us the run around, but once I am enrolled they are going to have to figure something out fast or I will be absent!
Today I saw a new psychologist I really liked her! She is really nice, and seems very understanding. Thursday is the big day, I will be meeting with the new doctor. I am praying that he will have some answers and advice. It seems as though this will be a very good appointment so I am hoping I am right!
That is all I am going to write for now as my brain feels like it is swelling, and my pain is high, so I am going to get off my computer for now.

My whole world is crashing around me.

Maybe if i weren't so good at faking that I'm okay, someone would see through it and know that I'm not.
I wish some people could read my mind and know how I really feel on the inside rather than seeing my lies on the outside...
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?

I really wonder if anyone would notice if I quit faking it? I think about trying it but somehow I always still fake it even when I don't want to.

Do you think its easy being me? Do you think its easy putting on the act that I do everyday? I smile when all I want to do is cry... I laugh when all I want to do is die.. I want to tell everyone how my world falls apart each night when I am laying in bed with tears in my eyes, pleading with god to help me. I want to let everyone know what it is like to be me, pretending to be happy...

I don't want to pretend I'm alright any longer but I have done it so long it just come natural. Maybe someday I can break these walls down and take the smile off my face.
No one ever taught me what to do when my whole world is falling apart around me. So what am I supposed to do?
I don't know what to do anymore I'm failing apart and no one notices. I'm dying and no one cares to help. I'm breaking and no one tries to put me back together.

Victory Junction Gang Camp.

My mom came across this camp called Victory Junction it is in North Carolina, and it is for kids with severe chronic and life threatening illnesses.
It looks really cool, I am going to look more into to it and see if its something I may wanna do. The camp itself is free, but for me I would have to pay to get there since I live in Texas.
I am going to look around and see if there is something like this but closer to me.

My mom had been emailing this doctor that agreed to see me and I have a appointment with him on February 2nd so that is exciting. Hopefully he will have some ideas, and answers for us! :)
I am also going to be getting a new psychologist since the one I am currently seeing isn't working out the best for me.

I have not been doing much lately, mostly just laying in my new recliner! My parents decided to buy a recliner so I could be more comfortable. It is comfy and I really like it.
I have not been able to sleep at all lately, and last night was the worst! A big storm moved in so my pain was high and couldn't sleep, and than my dog was scared so he came in and got in my bed. I did not mind him being there I was surprised he just laid down and didn't bother me at all!

Behind My Smile Is Everything You Will Never Understand....

I really think I am just gonna drop out of school. I never thought I would ever say that, I was supposed to go to college, I was supposed to have a future, but now thats all gone.
There is no way I can get good grades this year since I have no grades from the first semester. I tried so hard to get the grades I needed to get into college and make my dreams come true, only to have everything ripped apart.
Every choice I have ever made was because I new my choices could effect my future. I hate to say it but I am going to end up exactly like my brother, I should have seen it coming, were so similar. The only thing different is I thought I had a future so I made choices differently, I turned down a lot of things because I didnt want it to screw up everything.

Its getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.
No one knows everything that hides behind the mask I wear everyday. I wish people knew, but no one would understand. No one would ever think of me the same again.