Will the current drag me down and carry me away?

Quotes/Lyrics I can relate to....

 "I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign" 

"I am a daughter hiding my depression
 I am a big sis making a good impression
 I am your friend acting like im fine
 I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
 I am the girl sitting next to you
 I am the one asking you to care
 I am your best friend hoping you'll be there"

 "It's just about now, when the tears start to fall,
i wonder if I'm gonna make it at all..
this is not about trying to go back in time,
this is not about where I'll be a year down the line,
its just moment to moment, surviving somehow..
this is not about then.. this is just about now."


"It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside."

"Teach me how to dream in black and white 
So I can leave this world tonight"

"She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story."

" Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense?  Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

 "Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by.  I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?  To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

 "I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why."

 "You know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you're sad, and it's ok to be sad?  But then there are times when you're supposed to be happy but you're sad anyway...and those times are even worse than the times when you're supposed to be sad."

Dear Agony Just Let Go Of Me

I don't know where to go from here or what to do anymore. The pain is unbearable and never ending. When will someone help me, when will I feel better? Will someone tell me when it's okay to give up and let go. I thought my best friend was finally starting to get it up until he said "in health class they said that if people with chronic illnesses got out more they would get better" maybe that can help some but seriously what the hell are the health classes teacher? That people with chronic illness are just lazy and if they weren't they would be better? That pissed me off completely, I know he meant no harm but it still hurt and it pisses me off his teacher said that! I won't see my psychologist for 2 and a half weeks. Its only been a couple days since I've been and I'm already dying. I don't know how I am gonna wait that long to go again.

Never Gonna Get Out Of This Rut.

I feel like I ain't ever gonna get out of this rut, its one thing after the other.
I had ketamine done last Friday, pain was down some, not as much as I would like though. Than for whatever reason the pain went back up on my left side only, and the ribs on the right side, but not the rest!
Than Monday I had a MRI done of my spine, and now pain is up all over. /:
Still have been doing aqua therapy, only a few more weeks thought I think. I haven't made too many improvements in that either other than my arms are a little stronger and not really sensitive.
I will be having a epidural steroid done on my back for the injury, so we will see how that goes, maybe we can at least get some help with that!
I saw my brother about a week ago and it just upset me that once again I truly do not think anyone will ever understand! I am tired of people thinking I am better, and I am doing great when in reality it is a struggle to get out of bed to face another day like this. I hate going to bed at night knowing I have to wake up the next morning and face another day.
I have been strong and positive too long, and I am starting to break.
I know I could hang on a little longer I am just not sure I want to.

Is There Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

I don't know if I will ever find out, I'm not sure I will make it there. I think someone built a brick wall at the end of my tunnel.
I am tired of waking up every morning for what? To feel like crap and have to fight through another bad day?
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I pass school year, I don't even care if I finish this year. I don't care what grades I get, or if I even get any. I am done trying just to be pushed right back down. There is no point to anything anymore.
Why must I be the one to suffer all this pain and yet in the end have nothing to gain?
I wish I could at least sleep at night so I don't have to lay in bed awake wanting to do anything to end the pain. What good could ever come out of this? There can not possibly be something I am going to gain from any of this.

Waters Getting Harder To Tread With These Waves Crashing Over My Head.

 I went to the movies last night, have not seen a movie in I don't know how long. I saw 21 Jump Street, it was a pretty good movie. Going made me realize more that I am not really sure if I want to even try and keep the friendship. I was friends with him before anything ever happened, and he should be more understanding by now but he isn't. If your gonna be friends than you need to understand when I say no I don't feel good it means I really don't. You shouldn't get made and b*tch about it, you should be understanding and be there for me.
Going did the opposite of what I thought it would, it made me more depressed. I thought it would be nice to see my friends plus see an old friend I have not seen in forever but I guess I was wrong, once again.
I cancelled school the other day because I didn't feel well enough to be sitting up. The next day I had aqua therapy my PT said "It's nice to see you smiling and talking, your always so quiet" So I guess missing school at least helped some because than it wasn't too much. 

I Want To Swim Away But I Dont Know How.

I am so stressed out, and tired of living this life. They expect me to be able to pass this school year and be fine to go to the next year. I don't see how I can possible finish a entire school year in just 8 weeks.
Its just stressing me out which makes me feel worse, I can't sit up doing something for that long.
I thought I had found the perfect doctors, who truly cared how I felt and cared about helping me but I am starting to second guess that now.
Even though I am doing aqua therapy I swear I am just getting weaker, shouldn't it be the other way around? I can't even do anything because I can barley walk. Not that even feel well enough to do anything. 
I feel like my friends are slipping away, I don't even really talk to them much but I am done trying to keep the friends I have left. If they are actually my friends than I shouldn't have to try to keep them around.

Were Going Nowhere...

I feel like we aren't going anywhere at all with anything. We are waiting on getting enough of the Ketamine and other drugs to do that for the RSD. The doctors still think my back injury is going to heal, which I have kinda given up on. I mean its been 7 months, and it has only gotten worse and they still say "Well your young it will heal"
I figured if it was going to heal it would of already or at least I would be getting better not worse right?
Still have no answers for everything else going on, which no one seems to care about, and doesn't even bother to look into anything else. I want answers and I want help! I don't want to lay here waiting for some miracle to happen, how am I supposed to get answers by just laying here.
Cant really walk much at all, went to a friends house and that was way too much for me, felt like passing out, and was really weak, and I was laying in her bed its not like we were doing anything.
Also went to this painting place, and I will never do that again! Couldn't even stand sitting there.
So my life consists of Aqua Therapy, Psychologist, and School. Which that right there makes me so tired and makes me feel like I am dying.
I am supposed to go to my ranch on Thursday. Part of me wants to go because I have not been in forever but the other part of me doesn't want to go at all. I don't want to drive there and I feel like once I get there what am I gonna do? I can't even do anything! And I honestly don't feel like pretending everything is okay and I am happy, and having to make it seem like I am not falling apart and dying inside.