Quotes :)

I just wanted to post some quotes that I really like because they fit me.

It's getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I'm smiling, but on the inside I'm smiling.

Sometimes it hurts worse to smile in front of everyone, then to cry by yourself. 

 You look at me and think 'she's so happy' but theres so much behind this little smile that you'll never know.

 It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.

  

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

 I know God won't give me anything I can't handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much! 

 It's amazing how people tell you that they'll always be there for you when you need them, but when you do need them most they are no where to be found. Then when they need someone you're always there

 Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happy. 

 I wish you could comfort me and tell me everything's OK but the truth is if you knew my pain, you wouldn't know what to say. 

You can never fully understand what someone is going through, unless it has happened to you.

"I feel sometimes that nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It's like I say 'Oh, I'm fine,' and I walk away. Nobody's ever said 'No, you're not.'"

"If you don’t understand my silence, you won’t understand my words." 

 “You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, then you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself…everything is.”

It is getting harder and harder to pretend everything is fine.

I saw my friends today, we didn't really do anything, just lay on her bed. Just from walking to and from the car was hard. I felt so tired and weak, and in pain. I didn't talk much, I just didn't feel like it. I am so tired and I am hurting.
My foot has been going numb, because my back injury is getting worse and I guess its pinching nerves. So we have to figure what to do about that. My doctor also agreed to continue Ketamine, but due to the drug shortage we don't know when.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on, I am slipping, and barley hanging on. It's getting harder to fake a smile, and pretend everything is alright. I don't even feel like talking most of the time. My friend even called me the other night and I said like 3 words, and than tonight I just didn't wanna talk much.
I am extremely tired, and I have Aqua Therapy tomorrow so I am off to bed! Good Night! :) 

It's never the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it's the smile we fake.

Not doing too great, I started my school back up, and it has not been easy thats for sure. We do it for 2 hours twice a week, but than I also have homework of course. I have had a lot going on, with Aqua Therapy 3 times a week, school twice a week, pyschologist once a week, and than whatever other doctors appointments! I also have the TAKS test on thursday, I dont know how that will go since I havent been in school so I havent learned really anything this year!
Aqua Therapy has been going okay, it is painful and hard though. I like it though, I can do things I wouldnt be able to do on land, and my physical therapist is really nice. They also ask you how you are feeling, and how your pain is everyday, and how your doing with the PT. Which is a nice change from "You arent aloud to talk about the pain or anything" Which I think may be good for some people maybe but with me I dont only have RSD, so they need to know what things are bothering me so they can make sure I am not injuring something. In some of the things we do my knee cap has been subluxing, which is a bummer because we thought being in water would make it where my joints wouldnt come out.
My back was really hurting me yesterday after PT, and it wasnt normal RSD pain it was the pain from my back injury. I had moved weird in the shower and I felt the pop and it helped my back! So I guess that means something was dislocated, or partially out. It still hurt but it relieved some of the pain, which was good.
I didnt sleep much last night, it took me a while to fall asleep and than I woke up at about 3:30 or around there and never went back to bed.

Another update.

I saw this other doctor that my team wanted me to see. Well my ankle was shifted in the wrong place he popped it back which made it easier to stand. Than from riding horses in September where I injured my back, well my hip, pelvis and some other things were shifted too he tried to help that some but we couldn't do much without fear of dislocating something. (Due to my EDS)
I started Aquatic Therapy Yesterday, it went good, but I was having tremors and muscle spasms after, and was very tired. My doctor had said Aqua Therapy would be good for me cause it's easier on the joints so I don't dislocate them. Well guess what my knee cap kept sliding! It finally popped out some but went back in, so it subluxed and after that it was fine. Than we had to go to my school to get some books and work, because there starting my school again. So I met my teacher and she stayed from 6pm-8pm. I kinda had trouble doing all that and my pain was up and I was so tired after.
I got to Aqua Therapy today too, I leave in about an hour. Wish me luck! :)

Update

I haven't got around to posting a update but a lot has gone on!
We did lidocaine for about an hour, and than I don't remember this but they switched to Ketamine! So I did Ketamine for 5 days. We did it different everyday though trying different things out as I was having side effects. My mom said they did 500 mg a day sometimes, and others we lowered it to see if I reacted different. I was 100% out, unresponsive and my mom said my eyes were glassy and moving back and forth quickly. I don't remember much other than I was in a completely different world. I would wake up and not know where I was, who I was, or who anyone else was! Scary!
I would hallucinate for a long time, somedays it would continue for 5 hours! And wouldn't be able to walk for a long time! It helped my pain but of course I over did things too fast, I went to the rodeo and walked around. Now my pain is back up.
I will be starting warm water aqua therapy 3 times a week. Than my Homebound schooling is finally being set up again! They finally found a teacher and my mom has a meeting on Monday.
My doctor has also mentioned I may have a metobalic disorder, maybe Mitochondrial disease? So I guess we will be looking into that. A lot of kids with RSD happen to have this too it's weird and my mom said she was glancing through a article someone posted and came across it saying characteristic include short arms and fingers! We have always talked about how short my arms are and my hands! I can't even fit a regular size gun which for someone who is 5'8" that's not normal! So we will see who knows!

They gave me a lot of versed during the Ketamine, and they say that's kinda like the truth serum. Well guess what I talked about for 2 hours everyday while I was waking up, horses and how much I love them and want a horse! It was probably very funny! I also admitted to being depressed, which I actually kinda remember that. Don't really know what to say about that though.

Well I'm gonna end it here, I'm really tired and I hurt pretty bad. /:

This place is so empty ny thoughts are so tempting I dont know how it got so bad.

I don't know how no one can realize how broken I am, and that I need help.
I have come to realize why my brother is the way he is, I understand now. I have come so close to being like him, somehow I am able to convince myself not to go down that path, but its getting harder and harder. Life is getting harder and harder.
Its only getting harder to walk, my legs feel like jello, nerves are being pinched in my back from the injury, and my legs kill me to walk.
I cant do this anymore, I hate my life, yeah I finally admitted I am not that positive strong person everyone thinks I am.
Ive been waiting to get my school started so maybe seeing myself getting caught up, and everything will make me feel better, but at this point we have like 5 months of school left. There is no way I am gonna get caught up now.
I am going to spend my money on noise cancelling headphones so I shut this damn world out. I can than live in my own little world, and no one can piss me off. It would be nice until I have to return back to reality.

Quick Update!

First off I want to miss my cousin, my best friend, Shelby a happy birthday. Her birthday is actually tomorrow February 6th but I dont know if I will get a chance to post tomorrow.
We grew up together, we were and still are like sisters. She has been by my side through all this mess. She has always been one that understood that the pain is really bad, and real. She has seen me break bones, and have all sorts of injuries. I never cried with those injuries, and than she has seen me now after my accident.
She had a car accident a few weeks ago and we went out to eat and she said after the accident she thought of me. She said all I could think about is how my life could of been turned upside down in those few seconds, its crazy how fast everything can go wrong when you least expect it.
Tomorrow she will turn 18, its crazy how fast time flies, next year she will be going off to college! I hope somewhere close so I can still see her! Dont know what I am going to do if she chooses somewhere far, I guess we will just have to have skype dates.
Well I hope you have a really good birthday, stay safe but still have fun. Love you big cuz :)

Now for my update! I saw the new doctor on Thursday, it went as expected, which was really good! They set me up for lidocaine infusions for 5 days in a row. I will start next Monday, so wish me luck!
Than we also talked about doing Ketamine but they wanted to give the lidocaine a shot first.
He was a really nice doctor, and seemed very knowledgeable about RSD. He also is the first person to ever use this infer-ed gun looking thing to take the temp of my arms and legs. My legs were colder than my arms, which he said is usually the case with RSD.

Well I just wanted to do a quick update so there you go! I need to start trying to get some rest.
Next week I hope will be a good week have something to look forward to every day. Monday is Pretty Little Liars, Tuesday is appointment with Psychologist and Chicken Express, Wednesday is Challenge Battle Of The Exes, Thursday is Vampire Diaries, and Friday is Sweet Home Alabama! :)