Lives for the living so live it or your better off dead.

Just when you think everything's getting good, life fucks you and reality hits, it always will.
I tell myself I'm fine but in reality I'm dying everyday. You know what the best part is? No one knows, and no one cares.... There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old tired, lonely place. They think I'm fine they say I don't act depressed, well sometimes silence is the most powerful scream. I'm so tired of being stuck between hope and hell.

All my friends are graduating and going to college and honestly I don't ever see myself going very far or ever doing anything with my life. I used to have hope in doing something I love but now nothing seems realistic or possible. I wanna go to college so bad, live a normal life. But most of all get out of this house get away from everyone here. I hate being at home now, but than again I don't really feel well enough to do much either. My aunt lives with us now which has just added a bunch of stress to my life but I guess she has no where else to go. I never wanna have friends over cause she's there, I never know when she's gonna be crazy. Sometimes she's so crazy it scares me I'm afraid she's gonna hurt me or someone else, ever since she's been here I've kept a knife out just in case. I don't think she would ever really do anything but she really scares me sometimes and you never know.

I was started back on antidepressants, yeah they may work some but now I just feel terribly sad and depressed instead of feeling nothing, and just feeling emptiness. Shunts probably broken and something is wrong with my neck but no ones doing anything or even really cares so I just suffer in silence keeping it all locked inside.

Teach me how to dream in black and white so I can leave this world tonight.

I can't do this anymore, I don't have it in me to cope any longer. I have been strong far too long, and now I have hit rock bottom and can no longer do this. I feel worse physically so now it has made me more depressed. To top things off I am almost positive I am getting a stress fracture or two.
Nothing helps me feel better, that I can actually use, not that there actually doing anything anyway. There too busy focusing on one illness to realize that I have other problems, maybe the reason I am not getting to much relief from Ketamine is because the Ketamine is a treatment for RSD, so it is probably working for the RSD, but not working for whatever else I have going on. Maybe that's why nothing is working, but they aren't ever going to realize that.
I was looking forward to going to Georgia because than I could finally get more answers and than maybe they can try and treat everything else that's going on and we can actually make progress, but now my parents made me a appointment in San Diego for the RSD and cancelled the Georgia one!
I think it is a waste of money honestly, it is going to cost us thousands of dollars, to treat the RSD, not everything else going on! I think we should of gone to Georgia first and than see what happens. Say I do have Mitochondrial Disease or something else, than we could start treatment and see how it works. What if the Ketamine is completely getting rid of the RSD (Temporary)  since afterwards I get down to a 6, and than the number 6 pain is caused by whatever else? I don't know why they haven't considered that.
I really have nothing to look forward to, and I am not getting my hopes up on feeling better just to fuck myself up more because once again it failed. I can't take another failed treatment.
It sucks to think the one thing that I have tried that actually helped me feel better, and made me actually kinda happy, is illegal and I can't even use it. It makes me want to move, even though I love Texas, I really just want to feel better and be happy and that's not working for me here. Now I realize why so many people do whatever they can to do it, if I didn't live with my parents I could probably get away with it.

Will the current drag me down and carry me away?

Quotes/Lyrics I can relate to....

 "I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign" 

"I am a daughter hiding my depression
 I am a big sis making a good impression
 I am your friend acting like im fine
 I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
 I am the girl sitting next to you
 I am the one asking you to care
 I am your best friend hoping you'll be there"

 "It's just about now, when the tears start to fall,
i wonder if I'm gonna make it at all..
this is not about trying to go back in time,
this is not about where I'll be a year down the line,
its just moment to moment, surviving somehow..
this is not about then.. this is just about now."


"It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside."

"Teach me how to dream in black and white 
So I can leave this world tonight"

"She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story."

" Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense?  Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

 "Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by.  I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?  To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

 "I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why."

 "You know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you're sad, and it's ok to be sad?  But then there are times when you're supposed to be happy but you're sad anyway...and those times are even worse than the times when you're supposed to be sad."

Dear Agony Just Let Go Of Me

I don't know where to go from here or what to do anymore. The pain is unbearable and never ending. When will someone help me, when will I feel better? Will someone tell me when it's okay to give up and let go. I thought my best friend was finally starting to get it up until he said "in health class they said that if people with chronic illnesses got out more they would get better" maybe that can help some but seriously what the hell are the health classes teacher? That people with chronic illness are just lazy and if they weren't they would be better? That pissed me off completely, I know he meant no harm but it still hurt and it pisses me off his teacher said that! I won't see my psychologist for 2 and a half weeks. Its only been a couple days since I've been and I'm already dying. I don't know how I am gonna wait that long to go again.

Never Gonna Get Out Of This Rut.

I feel like I ain't ever gonna get out of this rut, its one thing after the other.
I had ketamine done last Friday, pain was down some, not as much as I would like though. Than for whatever reason the pain went back up on my left side only, and the ribs on the right side, but not the rest!
Than Monday I had a MRI done of my spine, and now pain is up all over. /:
Still have been doing aqua therapy, only a few more weeks thought I think. I haven't made too many improvements in that either other than my arms are a little stronger and not really sensitive.
I will be having a epidural steroid done on my back for the injury, so we will see how that goes, maybe we can at least get some help with that!
I saw my brother about a week ago and it just upset me that once again I truly do not think anyone will ever understand! I am tired of people thinking I am better, and I am doing great when in reality it is a struggle to get out of bed to face another day like this. I hate going to bed at night knowing I have to wake up the next morning and face another day.
I have been strong and positive too long, and I am starting to break.
I know I could hang on a little longer I am just not sure I want to.

Is There Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

I don't know if I will ever find out, I'm not sure I will make it there. I think someone built a brick wall at the end of my tunnel.
I am tired of waking up every morning for what? To feel like crap and have to fight through another bad day?
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I pass school year, I don't even care if I finish this year. I don't care what grades I get, or if I even get any. I am done trying just to be pushed right back down. There is no point to anything anymore.
Why must I be the one to suffer all this pain and yet in the end have nothing to gain?
I wish I could at least sleep at night so I don't have to lay in bed awake wanting to do anything to end the pain. What good could ever come out of this? There can not possibly be something I am going to gain from any of this.

Waters Getting Harder To Tread With These Waves Crashing Over My Head.

 I went to the movies last night, have not seen a movie in I don't know how long. I saw 21 Jump Street, it was a pretty good movie. Going made me realize more that I am not really sure if I want to even try and keep the friendship. I was friends with him before anything ever happened, and he should be more understanding by now but he isn't. If your gonna be friends than you need to understand when I say no I don't feel good it means I really don't. You shouldn't get made and b*tch about it, you should be understanding and be there for me.
Going did the opposite of what I thought it would, it made me more depressed. I thought it would be nice to see my friends plus see an old friend I have not seen in forever but I guess I was wrong, once again.
I cancelled school the other day because I didn't feel well enough to be sitting up. The next day I had aqua therapy my PT said "It's nice to see you smiling and talking, your always so quiet" So I guess missing school at least helped some because than it wasn't too much. 

I Want To Swim Away But I Dont Know How.

I am so stressed out, and tired of living this life. They expect me to be able to pass this school year and be fine to go to the next year. I don't see how I can possible finish a entire school year in just 8 weeks.
Its just stressing me out which makes me feel worse, I can't sit up doing something for that long.
I thought I had found the perfect doctors, who truly cared how I felt and cared about helping me but I am starting to second guess that now.
Even though I am doing aqua therapy I swear I am just getting weaker, shouldn't it be the other way around? I can't even do anything because I can barley walk. Not that even feel well enough to do anything. 
I feel like my friends are slipping away, I don't even really talk to them much but I am done trying to keep the friends I have left. If they are actually my friends than I shouldn't have to try to keep them around.

Were Going Nowhere...

I feel like we aren't going anywhere at all with anything. We are waiting on getting enough of the Ketamine and other drugs to do that for the RSD. The doctors still think my back injury is going to heal, which I have kinda given up on. I mean its been 7 months, and it has only gotten worse and they still say "Well your young it will heal"
I figured if it was going to heal it would of already or at least I would be getting better not worse right?
Still have no answers for everything else going on, which no one seems to care about, and doesn't even bother to look into anything else. I want answers and I want help! I don't want to lay here waiting for some miracle to happen, how am I supposed to get answers by just laying here.
Cant really walk much at all, went to a friends house and that was way too much for me, felt like passing out, and was really weak, and I was laying in her bed its not like we were doing anything.
Also went to this painting place, and I will never do that again! Couldn't even stand sitting there.
So my life consists of Aqua Therapy, Psychologist, and School. Which that right there makes me so tired and makes me feel like I am dying.
I am supposed to go to my ranch on Thursday. Part of me wants to go because I have not been in forever but the other part of me doesn't want to go at all. I don't want to drive there and I feel like once I get there what am I gonna do? I can't even do anything! And I honestly don't feel like pretending everything is okay and I am happy, and having to make it seem like I am not falling apart and dying inside.

Quotes :)

I just wanted to post some quotes that I really like because they fit me.

It's getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.

I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I'm smiling, but on the inside I'm smiling.

Sometimes it hurts worse to smile in front of everyone, then to cry by yourself. 

 You look at me and think 'she's so happy' but theres so much behind this little smile that you'll never know.

 It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothings right.

  

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

 I know God won't give me anything I can't handle...I just wish he didn't trust me so much! 

 It's amazing how people tell you that they'll always be there for you when you need them, but when you do need them most they are no where to be found. Then when they need someone you're always there

 Smiling is only a symptom of happiness and can be faked. Do not assume that everybody who smiles is happy. 

 I wish you could comfort me and tell me everything's OK but the truth is if you knew my pain, you wouldn't know what to say. 

You can never fully understand what someone is going through, unless it has happened to you.

"I feel sometimes that nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It's like I say 'Oh, I'm fine,' and I walk away. Nobody's ever said 'No, you're not.'"

"If you don’t understand my silence, you won’t understand my words." 

 “You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, then you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself…everything is.”

It is getting harder and harder to pretend everything is fine.

I saw my friends today, we didn't really do anything, just lay on her bed. Just from walking to and from the car was hard. I felt so tired and weak, and in pain. I didn't talk much, I just didn't feel like it. I am so tired and I am hurting.
My foot has been going numb, because my back injury is getting worse and I guess its pinching nerves. So we have to figure what to do about that. My doctor also agreed to continue Ketamine, but due to the drug shortage we don't know when.
I don't know how much longer I can hang on, I am slipping, and barley hanging on. It's getting harder to fake a smile, and pretend everything is alright. I don't even feel like talking most of the time. My friend even called me the other night and I said like 3 words, and than tonight I just didn't wanna talk much.
I am extremely tired, and I have Aqua Therapy tomorrow so I am off to bed! Good Night! :) 

It's never the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it's the smile we fake.

Not doing too great, I started my school back up, and it has not been easy thats for sure. We do it for 2 hours twice a week, but than I also have homework of course. I have had a lot going on, with Aqua Therapy 3 times a week, school twice a week, pyschologist once a week, and than whatever other doctors appointments! I also have the TAKS test on thursday, I dont know how that will go since I havent been in school so I havent learned really anything this year!
Aqua Therapy has been going okay, it is painful and hard though. I like it though, I can do things I wouldnt be able to do on land, and my physical therapist is really nice. They also ask you how you are feeling, and how your pain is everyday, and how your doing with the PT. Which is a nice change from "You arent aloud to talk about the pain or anything" Which I think may be good for some people maybe but with me I dont only have RSD, so they need to know what things are bothering me so they can make sure I am not injuring something. In some of the things we do my knee cap has been subluxing, which is a bummer because we thought being in water would make it where my joints wouldnt come out.
My back was really hurting me yesterday after PT, and it wasnt normal RSD pain it was the pain from my back injury. I had moved weird in the shower and I felt the pop and it helped my back! So I guess that means something was dislocated, or partially out. It still hurt but it relieved some of the pain, which was good.
I didnt sleep much last night, it took me a while to fall asleep and than I woke up at about 3:30 or around there and never went back to bed.

Another update.

I saw this other doctor that my team wanted me to see. Well my ankle was shifted in the wrong place he popped it back which made it easier to stand. Than from riding horses in September where I injured my back, well my hip, pelvis and some other things were shifted too he tried to help that some but we couldn't do much without fear of dislocating something. (Due to my EDS)
I started Aquatic Therapy Yesterday, it went good, but I was having tremors and muscle spasms after, and was very tired. My doctor had said Aqua Therapy would be good for me cause it's easier on the joints so I don't dislocate them. Well guess what my knee cap kept sliding! It finally popped out some but went back in, so it subluxed and after that it was fine. Than we had to go to my school to get some books and work, because there starting my school again. So I met my teacher and she stayed from 6pm-8pm. I kinda had trouble doing all that and my pain was up and I was so tired after.
I got to Aqua Therapy today too, I leave in about an hour. Wish me luck! :)

Update

I haven't got around to posting a update but a lot has gone on!
We did lidocaine for about an hour, and than I don't remember this but they switched to Ketamine! So I did Ketamine for 5 days. We did it different everyday though trying different things out as I was having side effects. My mom said they did 500 mg a day sometimes, and others we lowered it to see if I reacted different. I was 100% out, unresponsive and my mom said my eyes were glassy and moving back and forth quickly. I don't remember much other than I was in a completely different world. I would wake up and not know where I was, who I was, or who anyone else was! Scary!
I would hallucinate for a long time, somedays it would continue for 5 hours! And wouldn't be able to walk for a long time! It helped my pain but of course I over did things too fast, I went to the rodeo and walked around. Now my pain is back up.
I will be starting warm water aqua therapy 3 times a week. Than my Homebound schooling is finally being set up again! They finally found a teacher and my mom has a meeting on Monday.
My doctor has also mentioned I may have a metobalic disorder, maybe Mitochondrial disease? So I guess we will be looking into that. A lot of kids with RSD happen to have this too it's weird and my mom said she was glancing through a article someone posted and came across it saying characteristic include short arms and fingers! We have always talked about how short my arms are and my hands! I can't even fit a regular size gun which for someone who is 5'8" that's not normal! So we will see who knows!

They gave me a lot of versed during the Ketamine, and they say that's kinda like the truth serum. Well guess what I talked about for 2 hours everyday while I was waking up, horses and how much I love them and want a horse! It was probably very funny! I also admitted to being depressed, which I actually kinda remember that. Don't really know what to say about that though.

Well I'm gonna end it here, I'm really tired and I hurt pretty bad. /:

This place is so empty ny thoughts are so tempting I dont know how it got so bad.

I don't know how no one can realize how broken I am, and that I need help.
I have come to realize why my brother is the way he is, I understand now. I have come so close to being like him, somehow I am able to convince myself not to go down that path, but its getting harder and harder. Life is getting harder and harder.
Its only getting harder to walk, my legs feel like jello, nerves are being pinched in my back from the injury, and my legs kill me to walk.
I cant do this anymore, I hate my life, yeah I finally admitted I am not that positive strong person everyone thinks I am.
Ive been waiting to get my school started so maybe seeing myself getting caught up, and everything will make me feel better, but at this point we have like 5 months of school left. There is no way I am gonna get caught up now.
I am going to spend my money on noise cancelling headphones so I shut this damn world out. I can than live in my own little world, and no one can piss me off. It would be nice until I have to return back to reality.

Quick Update!

First off I want to miss my cousin, my best friend, Shelby a happy birthday. Her birthday is actually tomorrow February 6th but I dont know if I will get a chance to post tomorrow.
We grew up together, we were and still are like sisters. She has been by my side through all this mess. She has always been one that understood that the pain is really bad, and real. She has seen me break bones, and have all sorts of injuries. I never cried with those injuries, and than she has seen me now after my accident.
She had a car accident a few weeks ago and we went out to eat and she said after the accident she thought of me. She said all I could think about is how my life could of been turned upside down in those few seconds, its crazy how fast everything can go wrong when you least expect it.
Tomorrow she will turn 18, its crazy how fast time flies, next year she will be going off to college! I hope somewhere close so I can still see her! Dont know what I am going to do if she chooses somewhere far, I guess we will just have to have skype dates.
Well I hope you have a really good birthday, stay safe but still have fun. Love you big cuz :)

Now for my update! I saw the new doctor on Thursday, it went as expected, which was really good! They set me up for lidocaine infusions for 5 days in a row. I will start next Monday, so wish me luck!
Than we also talked about doing Ketamine but they wanted to give the lidocaine a shot first.
He was a really nice doctor, and seemed very knowledgeable about RSD. He also is the first person to ever use this infer-ed gun looking thing to take the temp of my arms and legs. My legs were colder than my arms, which he said is usually the case with RSD.

Well I just wanted to do a quick update so there you go! I need to start trying to get some rest.
Next week I hope will be a good week have something to look forward to every day. Monday is Pretty Little Liars, Tuesday is appointment with Psychologist and Chicken Express, Wednesday is Challenge Battle Of The Exes, Thursday is Vampire Diaries, and Friday is Sweet Home Alabama! :) 

Not Doing To Well :(

I am really not feeling well lately. I have just been all over not feeling good with pain, weakness, and everything else! Still figuring out school I think my mom is going up to my public school tomorrow and enrolling me, and than is going to give them the forms my doctor filled out saying I need to be on the Hospital/Homebound program. That way they will have to figure out something for me, as right now they are putting us off and giving us the run around, but once I am enrolled they are going to have to figure something out fast or I will be absent!
Today I saw a new psychologist I really liked her! She is really nice, and seems very understanding. Thursday is the big day, I will be meeting with the new doctor. I am praying that he will have some answers and advice. It seems as though this will be a very good appointment so I am hoping I am right!
That is all I am going to write for now as my brain feels like it is swelling, and my pain is high, so I am going to get off my computer for now.

My whole world is crashing around me.

Maybe if i weren't so good at faking that I'm okay, someone would see through it and know that I'm not.
I wish some people could read my mind and know how I really feel on the inside rather than seeing my lies on the outside...
When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?

I really wonder if anyone would notice if I quit faking it? I think about trying it but somehow I always still fake it even when I don't want to.

Do you think its easy being me? Do you think its easy putting on the act that I do everyday? I smile when all I want to do is cry... I laugh when all I want to do is die.. I want to tell everyone how my world falls apart each night when I am laying in bed with tears in my eyes, pleading with god to help me. I want to let everyone know what it is like to be me, pretending to be happy...

I don't want to pretend I'm alright any longer but I have done it so long it just come natural. Maybe someday I can break these walls down and take the smile off my face.
No one ever taught me what to do when my whole world is falling apart around me. So what am I supposed to do?
I don't know what to do anymore I'm failing apart and no one notices. I'm dying and no one cares to help. I'm breaking and no one tries to put me back together.

Victory Junction Gang Camp.

My mom came across this camp called Victory Junction it is in North Carolina, and it is for kids with severe chronic and life threatening illnesses.
It looks really cool, I am going to look more into to it and see if its something I may wanna do. The camp itself is free, but for me I would have to pay to get there since I live in Texas.
I am going to look around and see if there is something like this but closer to me.

My mom had been emailing this doctor that agreed to see me and I have a appointment with him on February 2nd so that is exciting. Hopefully he will have some ideas, and answers for us! :)
I am also going to be getting a new psychologist since the one I am currently seeing isn't working out the best for me.

I have not been doing much lately, mostly just laying in my new recliner! My parents decided to buy a recliner so I could be more comfortable. It is comfy and I really like it.
I have not been able to sleep at all lately, and last night was the worst! A big storm moved in so my pain was high and couldn't sleep, and than my dog was scared so he came in and got in my bed. I did not mind him being there I was surprised he just laid down and didn't bother me at all!

Behind My Smile Is Everything You Will Never Understand....

I really think I am just gonna drop out of school. I never thought I would ever say that, I was supposed to go to college, I was supposed to have a future, but now thats all gone.
There is no way I can get good grades this year since I have no grades from the first semester. I tried so hard to get the grades I needed to get into college and make my dreams come true, only to have everything ripped apart.
Every choice I have ever made was because I new my choices could effect my future. I hate to say it but I am going to end up exactly like my brother, I should have seen it coming, were so similar. The only thing different is I thought I had a future so I made choices differently, I turned down a lot of things because I didnt want it to screw up everything.

Its getting harder and harder to wear a fake smile everyday because the more I wear it the more I know how much of a lie it is.
No one knows everything that hides behind the mask I wear everyday. I wish people knew, but no one would understand. No one would ever think of me the same again.