Lives for the living so live it or your better off dead.

Just when you think everything's getting good, life fucks you and reality hits, it always will.
I tell myself I'm fine but in reality I'm dying everyday. You know what the best part is? No one knows, and no one cares.... There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old tired, lonely place. They think I'm fine they say I don't act depressed, well sometimes silence is the most powerful scream. I'm so tired of being stuck between hope and hell.

All my friends are graduating and going to college and honestly I don't ever see myself going very far or ever doing anything with my life. I used to have hope in doing something I love but now nothing seems realistic or possible. I wanna go to college so bad, live a normal life. But most of all get out of this house get away from everyone here. I hate being at home now, but than again I don't really feel well enough to do much either. My aunt lives with us now which has just added a bunch of stress to my life but I guess she has no where else to go. I never wanna have friends over cause she's there, I never know when she's gonna be crazy. Sometimes she's so crazy it scares me I'm afraid she's gonna hurt me or someone else, ever since she's been here I've kept a knife out just in case. I don't think she would ever really do anything but she really scares me sometimes and you never know.

I was started back on antidepressants, yeah they may work some but now I just feel terribly sad and depressed instead of feeling nothing, and just feeling emptiness. Shunts probably broken and something is wrong with my neck but no ones doing anything or even really cares so I just suffer in silence keeping it all locked inside.

Teach me how to dream in black and white so I can leave this world tonight.

I can't do this anymore, I don't have it in me to cope any longer. I have been strong far too long, and now I have hit rock bottom and can no longer do this. I feel worse physically so now it has made me more depressed. To top things off I am almost positive I am getting a stress fracture or two.
Nothing helps me feel better, that I can actually use, not that there actually doing anything anyway. There too busy focusing on one illness to realize that I have other problems, maybe the reason I am not getting to much relief from Ketamine is because the Ketamine is a treatment for RSD, so it is probably working for the RSD, but not working for whatever else I have going on. Maybe that's why nothing is working, but they aren't ever going to realize that.
I was looking forward to going to Georgia because than I could finally get more answers and than maybe they can try and treat everything else that's going on and we can actually make progress, but now my parents made me a appointment in San Diego for the RSD and cancelled the Georgia one!
I think it is a waste of money honestly, it is going to cost us thousands of dollars, to treat the RSD, not everything else going on! I think we should of gone to Georgia first and than see what happens. Say I do have Mitochondrial Disease or something else, than we could start treatment and see how it works. What if the Ketamine is completely getting rid of the RSD (Temporary)  since afterwards I get down to a 6, and than the number 6 pain is caused by whatever else? I don't know why they haven't considered that.
I really have nothing to look forward to, and I am not getting my hopes up on feeling better just to fuck myself up more because once again it failed. I can't take another failed treatment.
It sucks to think the one thing that I have tried that actually helped me feel better, and made me actually kinda happy, is illegal and I can't even use it. It makes me want to move, even though I love Texas, I really just want to feel better and be happy and that's not working for me here. Now I realize why so many people do whatever they can to do it, if I didn't live with my parents I could probably get away with it.

Will the current drag me down and carry me away?

Quotes/Lyrics I can relate to....

 "I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign" 

"I am a daughter hiding my depression
 I am a big sis making a good impression
 I am your friend acting like im fine
 I am a teenager pushing her tears aside
 I am the girl sitting next to you
 I am the one asking you to care
 I am your best friend hoping you'll be there"

 "It's just about now, when the tears start to fall,
i wonder if I'm gonna make it at all..
this is not about trying to go back in time,
this is not about where I'll be a year down the line,
its just moment to moment, surviving somehow..
this is not about then.. this is just about now."


"It is not that I am scared to learn,
Why I'm empty inside.
hold my hand or show some concern,
If I live or die.
My eyes are open wide.
Help me look inside."

"Teach me how to dream in black and white 
So I can leave this world tonight"

"She says she doesn't care, but her eyes tell a different story."

" Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense?  Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile..."

 "Teardrops slowly fall from my eyes as I look to the sky, and I question how come life keeps passing me right on by.  I just wonder why I can't escape, is this my fate?  To always be unhappy and how much longer must I wait..."

 "I wanna get lost from my life sometimes, sit on the side and watch the world go by, I wanna get lost and I don't know why."

 "You know sometimes, like when someone dies, and you're sad, and it's ok to be sad?  But then there are times when you're supposed to be happy but you're sad anyway...and those times are even worse than the times when you're supposed to be sad."

Dear Agony Just Let Go Of Me

I don't know where to go from here or what to do anymore. The pain is unbearable and never ending. When will someone help me, when will I feel better? Will someone tell me when it's okay to give up and let go. I thought my best friend was finally starting to get it up until he said "in health class they said that if people with chronic illnesses got out more they would get better" maybe that can help some but seriously what the hell are the health classes teacher? That people with chronic illness are just lazy and if they weren't they would be better? That pissed me off completely, I know he meant no harm but it still hurt and it pisses me off his teacher said that! I won't see my psychologist for 2 and a half weeks. Its only been a couple days since I've been and I'm already dying. I don't know how I am gonna wait that long to go again.

Never Gonna Get Out Of This Rut.

I feel like I ain't ever gonna get out of this rut, its one thing after the other.
I had ketamine done last Friday, pain was down some, not as much as I would like though. Than for whatever reason the pain went back up on my left side only, and the ribs on the right side, but not the rest!
Than Monday I had a MRI done of my spine, and now pain is up all over. /:
Still have been doing aqua therapy, only a few more weeks thought I think. I haven't made too many improvements in that either other than my arms are a little stronger and not really sensitive.
I will be having a epidural steroid done on my back for the injury, so we will see how that goes, maybe we can at least get some help with that!
I saw my brother about a week ago and it just upset me that once again I truly do not think anyone will ever understand! I am tired of people thinking I am better, and I am doing great when in reality it is a struggle to get out of bed to face another day like this. I hate going to bed at night knowing I have to wake up the next morning and face another day.
I have been strong and positive too long, and I am starting to break.
I know I could hang on a little longer I am just not sure I want to.

Is There Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

I don't know if I will ever find out, I'm not sure I will make it there. I think someone built a brick wall at the end of my tunnel.
I am tired of waking up every morning for what? To feel like crap and have to fight through another bad day?
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I pass school year, I don't even care if I finish this year. I don't care what grades I get, or if I even get any. I am done trying just to be pushed right back down. There is no point to anything anymore.
Why must I be the one to suffer all this pain and yet in the end have nothing to gain?
I wish I could at least sleep at night so I don't have to lay in bed awake wanting to do anything to end the pain. What good could ever come out of this? There can not possibly be something I am going to gain from any of this.

Waters Getting Harder To Tread With These Waves Crashing Over My Head.

 I went to the movies last night, have not seen a movie in I don't know how long. I saw 21 Jump Street, it was a pretty good movie. Going made me realize more that I am not really sure if I want to even try and keep the friendship. I was friends with him before anything ever happened, and he should be more understanding by now but he isn't. If your gonna be friends than you need to understand when I say no I don't feel good it means I really don't. You shouldn't get made and b*tch about it, you should be understanding and be there for me.
Going did the opposite of what I thought it would, it made me more depressed. I thought it would be nice to see my friends plus see an old friend I have not seen in forever but I guess I was wrong, once again.
I cancelled school the other day because I didn't feel well enough to be sitting up. The next day I had aqua therapy my PT said "It's nice to see you smiling and talking, your always so quiet" So I guess missing school at least helped some because than it wasn't too much.